10 Guidelines I Use As A Parent

I hope all you mom’s out there had a fabulous Mother’s Day and your family spoiled you and made you feel loved and appreciated. I have to say we had a crazy weekend. My Mother’s Day was not on the top of my list as one of my best days ever but reflection has many good sides and as I reflect this morning I see how truly blessed I am.

We decided to go out to eat after church on Mother’s Day without reservations which was the most insane thing we could have chosen to do except skydiving, but we would have made it to the ground faster jumping out of the plane then we ended up waiting in line that day but I was exhausted from a full week of non-stop go go go so having people over to my house for dinner was not even an option. I may have found some frozen meatloaf in the freezer or some Ramen Noodles in the pantry but I just wasn’t feeling it. My sister and I shared the same story, and my grandmother hasn’t cooked a meal since she moved in with me almost seven years ago, so out to eat we went. My mother is a huge seafood fan so we picked a well known place close by and caravanned all the way there. My husband hates to caravan...hates it. When we got there they told us it was a 45 minute wait which we thought was great for Mother’s Day so we stayed and waited. We knew we would have to wait anywhere we went, even if we went to McDonald’s so why not wait somewhere worth waiting. TWO HOURS later we were seated. This is where my reflection plays a great role in how  my Mother’s Day actually went because after TWO HOURS of waiting I was not enjoying myself. Did I mention we waited TWO HOURS?

As far as the terrible meal and the exhaustion I was feeling from my busy week, I really just wanted to go home and go to bed. I love my family so I hung in there but it was not the greatest day. However something happened, something that I have almost become so used to that I fail to appreciate it when it happens. My children behaving themselves in public. In the midst of our TWO HOUR wait and then another two hours after we were seated before we finally left the restaurant, my children were the most well behaved humans old or young that came and went during the entire four hours we were there. It was not because it was Mother’s Day, it was not because my husband threatened them with severe consequences, it was nothing other than the fact they were good because they are good. Are you amazed? I was.

My mom called me the next day to compliment me on my children’s behaviour. She said that other’s in our dinner party had also made comments praising how well behaved my kids were. They were, they were fantastic and I am so proud. We were separated at dinner. All of the adults at one table and our kids right next  to us at another table. There were my three and my sister’s two, ages, 14, 13, 8, 8 and 7. How does this rare phenomenon happen? They did not get up out of their seats, they did not yell, scream, throw food, fight or anything else that would have brought negative attention their way. They used their manners and were polite. When I saw my oldest two get a mischevious look on their faces I shot them the momma stare and the look quickly dissipated and that was the only momma stare I had to give in four hours. Pretty remarkable isn’t it?

As I reflect on their behaviour at the restaurant and their behaviour almost any time we go anywhere, this morning, I am so overcome with joy. My thoughts took me back to taking them for ice cream and how unprompted even at a young age they always said please and thank you. They say yes ma’am and no ma'am and yes sir and no sir. They give up their seats when someone older comes along, they hold open doors for everyone, they shake hands and speak up, they make eye contact when talking to you and all three of them make me proud.  I’m sorry but not sorry for bragging on my children. My husband and I have raised them and are still raising them to the best of our ability. It has not been easy. They did not come with instruction manuals but they were born into a family that loves them beyond their comprehension. We committed ourselves the day we found out we were pregnant with each and every one of them to do the absolute best by them even when it seems like we are getting nowhere. In the midst of the toddler tantrums because we said no to ice cream or the toy they wanted off the shelf in the store, to shots at the doctor’s office, scraped knees, broken hearts, bad grades, good grades and so much more; we are raising our children. We are raising future leaders, mothers, fathers, citizens that will vote and be positive contributing members to society that will earn their keep and not look for a hand out. We teach them they will not always be a winner, someone has to finish first and someone has to finish last. We teach them they are responsible for themselves and doing the right thing even when others don’t. We teach them and lead them by example so when they are old enough to leave home we can be confident they won’t come back! Ha-Ha! But it is true, we want them to be able to take care of themselves and not depend on others.

Parenting is not easy. Seriously if we had been told exactly what we were in for, we may not have had children. Of course it is all worth it now, but if you were told everything you would encounter as a parent before you had fallen in love with that little bundle of joy, then you might seriously have reconsidered. Kids are learning to be adults just like we are learning to be parents. They test the limits while we are learning what those limits should be. We have thousands of books that all say something different telling you what to do and how to do it and then your friends and your parents and strangers on the street and it goes on and on and on and you still question what am I doing and am I doing it right?

The bottom line is love your children. Love them without condition. Love them when they don’t love you. Love them when you tell them no, love them when you tell them yes. Love them. My hubby and I have decided to raise our children according to the biblical morals and values that we hold dear. The bible has yet to steer me wrong so I’m counting on its ability to show us how to raise our children.

What I’m about to say is true, my husband and I have been told on more than one occasion by more than one person, that we are the best parents ever! Ha-ha! Well, I can’t say that I feel like the best mom ever, but I take that as one of the greatest compliments one could be given and I humbly share it with you because I know that it is my God that guides us in parenting. It is His Word that has instructed me on how to raise my children. I am by no means a perfect parent but I will boldly say I have great kids. And it is only because I have been complimented so many times by random strangers on my kids behavior that I am writing this.

As I was reflecting on how great my kids were at the restaurant on Mother’s Day I thought about some of the really hard decisions my husband and I have had to make over the last 15 years. Some days we felt like the worst, meanest parents ever, but seeing the results today has shown us we made the right decisions, even though they were tough. Listed below are the 10 guidelines used most often by my hubby and myself in child rearing and they have never lead us astray.

1. We are the parents, the children are the children. I will give you an example. When we go to dinner and my husband and I are paying, we do not say to three very different, outspoken, opinionated children, where would you like to go? That is asking for trouble and too much debate. We say, “we are going to (name the place) for dinner”. We do not end with Ok? Or, you like that right? Or, unless you want something else? Heck no! There is a time to let your kids pick the place, like birthdays, celebrating report cards, dance recitals, winning the game ball etc...but not every time you go out to eat. They start to think they can make other familial decisions and when they are parents they can. Let them be kids. Furthermore, when you correct your child, you DO NOT end it with, Ok? They do not get to tell you, the parent, if correcting them is okay. Absurd. It is absolutely okay, you are the parent. Speak to them as if your word is an infallible truth, the law above all laws, except the Bible, because honestly that is where I get my rules from, the Bible.
2. We take solicited advice from our elders not the internet. When we first got pregnant, I used the internet as a resource, but I did not know any of those people, but I did know my mom, very well, and my grandmother’s, and my friends etc. When they gave advice and I liked the way their kids turned out, I took it, if I saw bad fruit from those choices, then I didn’t take it. I have to say my mom and my husband’s mom raised some pretty fantastic kids so why would I want to do any different. Don’t be that mom that thinks you know every thing, listen to others, you can learn a lot from people that have children older than yours, you can learn what to do as well as what not to do. I still call my mom for advice, especially with my teenager, and most conversations end with, “mom I’m so sorry I put you through that, but thanks for the advice”.
3. You are not your child’s BFF. If you parent them correctly then one day you will be, my mom is totally my BFF now, but she is my mother first. I can honestly say at times I had feelings of deep disgust for her growing up, maybe I said the word hate, but she stood her ground while holding back tears I’m sure,but she was firmly planted beside my father, and now I respect her more than anyone in the world. Oh and she totally spanked me and I don’t fear her, begrudge her or hate her for it, I’m glad she did. Be firm, let your kids know you love them, but do not treat them as equals, they are not equal, they are your children.
4. My no means no and my yes means yes. My children have learned that asking me over and over and over again when I’ve already said no, gets them grounded not a yes. I may be especially good at this because I am a competitive person, so when my kids continue to ask after they have been told no, I look at it as a challenge to win. Win what? Win my authority! I am the mom, you are the child, I win. This is hard, especially after a long exhausting day, and you just want some peace and quiet and you are ready to give into anything just for a minute of solitude. Don’t do it. They are like wolves waiting to prey on the weak, they know when you are weak, they will attack. Stay strong, no means no, read them the definition if you must. They will eventually get it. Will they give up….no way...it’s a game to them too, but it does get easier on your end.
5. Be nosy. My kids are 14 (almost 15), 13 and 8. I respect their privacy, but they are not grown and ready to leave home and finish raising themselves. If they need alone time, I am more than willing to give it to them. When they have friends over I respect that too and let them hang out without too much interference. But they are still kids. Until they pay their own bills, have their own home, they are mine. My husband and I like to do random phone checks. This is where at any point in time we can grab their cell phone and read through text messages and see what they have been watching or searching. We have parental locks through our service provider and on our cable at home. Oh I know I know, I am so mean and rude. My kids actually don’t mind. Why? Because when we first started doing this and saw some things we didn’t like on their phones, we corrected them in love. We did not have a major blow out, we did not belittle them, make them feel stupid or inferior, we corrected them. We expressed our concerns, explained having these things, phones, tablets, computers are a luxury and simply said that if the inappropriate things continued we would be under the assumption they were not responsible enough to handle it and then we would take them away. This works because of number 4, our no is no and yes is yes.
6. My husband and I are a unified front. If your kids play you against each other then you are not showing them you are one; one team, one mind, one unit, a parental unit. My husband and I do not always agree, however if one of us corrects a child, says yes to something, no to something, etc. then the other has their back. No ifs ands or buts. If we disagree with the decision that was made, the advice that was given, or whatever it is, we discuss it behind closed doors. The children only see a mom and dad that love each other and are unified in parenting them. Do they try to play us? Absolutely. They are kids, they are still trying to figure all of this out too but I’m the mom, I win.
7. We teach our kids by interacting with them and showing them not telling them. You know that old saying, monkey see monkey do, well your kid is the monkey, some a little more literally than others. They are going to emulate your behavior, it doesn’t matter what you say, it is completely and solely what you do.  I remember one time in particular I lost my temper in front of my boys. I had been on them about cleaning their rooms for almost an entire day. I was cleaning downstairs and they were cleaning upstairs. Well at least I thought they were cleaning. I went upstairs to check on them and they had done nothing. I was livid. I emptied their dresser, I threw clothes all over the room I overturned the toy box and threw pillows at the wall. It was a bad day. I told them they better clean it up in the next hour or they would really be in trouble. I went back downstairs and I immediately felt conviction from my head to my toes. I had a choice to make, let that behavior resonate in their minds that their mother was a complete lunatic, or take the more humbling road which had a better payoff and say I was sorry. I went back upstairs and found them folding clothes and putting them away. I fell to my knees, hugged them and told them how sorry I was. I asked them to forgive me. I explained my frustration and how even though they should have been cleaning their rooms like I had asked earlier that day, that my behavior was unacceptable and because of that I would clean up my mess and help them with theirs when I finished. It was hard, but when I see them apologize to someone for their wrong behavior it makes my humbling moment worth it. They really do copy us in everything they see us do. It is okay to make mistakes in front of them, but how we handle it is more important than the mistakes we make.
8. Set up boundaries. Kids love boundaries they just don’t know it. Boundaries let them know what they can do and what they can’t do. They test them, they walk the fine line, but if you stay strong in keeping the boundaries in place then they learn and grow and mature and you realize it wasn’t so bad having to say no, or even yes, when you wanted to say no. It isn’t so terrible smacking your toddlers hand to keep them from sticking their finger in the electric socket that you forgot to put a cover in. It hurts them a lot less than the electric shock they would get and it keeps you from saying no a million times and then wondering why you are saying no. They make the connection the first time, electric socket equals discomfort, I don’t like discomfort so I will not stick my finger in there. It isn’t child abuse people, it’s a boundary. I would like to add that I have been so successful in the boundary department that I can stop my kids from what they are doing from anywhere in the room with just a look, oh you know the mom look, the one I mentioned I gave my boys at dinner.  I have mastered it. Just ask the folks I go to church with, they know that look. I am very proud of this mom look, I may take a picture of myself making the mom look face and frame it and give it to my children when they leave for college.
9. I have learned that raising good kids and being a good parent means we have to listen to them. I love to listen to my kids tell stories about their days at school or what happened during a sleepover. They go on and on and on and I love it. Okay I do not always love it, sometimes I’m tired, in the middle of something or I’ve already heard the story a lot (my 8 year old is the queen of storytelling) but it is important to listen so I take time to listen. I ask questions  and realize this is their time to share, so I do not interject with correcting them but I listen and show them that what is important to them is important to me.
10. Love your children unconditionally. Love does not mean never saying no, it means when you say no it is because you are teaching them, protecting them and wanting them to understand life. Loving them unconditionally does not mean you give them everything they want when they want it just because they want it. In reality your kids just want you. My kids have told my husband and I that some of the best times they have had with us were sitting around the table playing games, or cuddled up on the sofa watching a movie or playing soccer in the front yard. Loving them unconditionally means accepting their strengths and their weaknesses without trying to change them but helping them be the best they can be with all of the resources made available to them. You don’t have to break the bank, give them the world, or run yourself ragged trying, you just have to be present and let them know you love them.

The most expensive thing you can give your child is your time, take time to raise them right. If you find yourself too busy to be front and center with your kids then you need to cut something out of your life. We can always find time to do what we want to do. You should want to spend time with your children. That doesn’t mean never taking time out for yourself it just means what I said, take time out for your kids. They see if you are on your phone more than you talk to them, they see if you come home from work and don’t say hi, they see, they copy and the cycle continues. They also see you give them the last piece of cake or that you took time off to come to their school play. They see you rush through tucking them in at night, or taking your time. Be present and love your children. If you are blessed to have children they are God’s greatest gift to you. You can never pray for something worth more than them. Cherish them, love them, raise them.

These are just some things that have worked for me and my hubby. Take what you like, leave what you don’t, but remember to love your children, pray for your children and set a good example for them. God Bless!