2026 Update: I originally wrote this post in 2024, when I was divorced and navigating the dating world after a 20-year marriage. A lot has changed since then—including the fact that I'm now married—but this question still fascinates me: What do you really bring to the table in a relationship? Looking back, I believe even more strongly that what matters most isn't someone's bank account, house or résumé. It's their character, faith, kindness, emotional maturity and willingness to build a life with another person.
After being married for 20 years, getting divorced and finding myself back in the dating world, I quickly discovered that dating in midlife was very different from dating when I was younger. Over the next four years, I met all kinds of people—and heard one question over and over again: “What do you bring to the table?”
And I have to confess, my curiosity eventually got the better of me. Is this really a first-date, second-date or third-date conversation? Do people actually sit across from a potential partner and interview them about what they bring to a relationship?
What Does “Bring to the Table” Mean in a Relationship?
I was young when I got married and we both brought the same thing to the table. Nothing. Unless you count similar upbringings, equal morals and values. Financially we had nothing. No real estate, no stocks, no 401K... Nothing!
However I am well aware that dating now versus 25 years ago is completely different. I am constantly being reminded by those around me of my ancient way of thinking. So - in order to further educate myself and bring my caveman thoughts up to the 21st century, I decided to bring my question to the masses. If you are currently single or dating, is this a question you ask? And if so, why?
I understand that by the second or third go round you have built some wealth for yourself. Most of us have been working for a long time, we have savings, retirement plans, stocks, real estate etc... I understand not wanting to get taken advantage of or take a chance on going through what you may have gone through before... I also know that maybe being a great cook is something you bring to the table. So it doesn't have to be all about finances... but in my (and my acquaintances) experiences it has been all about the money (which I find very unattractive).
When “What Do You Bring to the Table?” Feels Transactional
I have to admit when I was first asked this question, I thought to myself what a jerk. I met this guy for coffee and he proceeded to share all of his finances, how much he had in stocks, his net worth, what kind of car he drove etc... then he proceeded to ask me all of the same questions. I started with, I love Jesus, I believe the bible is the Holy inspired Word of God and I believe relationships should model after His commandments. I then asked him, shouldn't he be more concerned with my heart than my bank account. I mean what if I'm loaded but I'm a cheater. What if I own 5 houses but I'm not going to support you when you're down or bring you soup when you're sick? And then he responds with "Well I assumed you were kind because you were a minister for a long time". I said, Okay, I'll give you that as a good assumption however it would have been nice for you to ask me about my ministry days versus my paycheck. These other questions are rude for a first date and honestly everything you just shared with me didn't impress me... but actually made me assume you are hiding something else or you are very insecure and if not that... really cocky... all of which are extremely unattractive qualities. You should never have to tell someone how awesome you are. If you truly are a great catch, then they will see it for themselves. We never went out again.
That wasn't the only time this happened. It was just the first. It has also happened to several of my friends, men and women. I'm still shaking my head.
Has Dating in Midlife Become Too Transactional?
So tell me dear readers, did you ask this question and/or were you asked this question?
Are the traditional days of dating really a thing of the past? Is it true that people don't really take time to get to know one another's hearts anymore? Is it all a financial transaction? Or worse... this is what I can do for you so what can you do for me? It seems so calculated and not romantic. What happened to falling in love naturally over time as you get to know someone. Sure you eventually have to talk about finances and if you decide to get married or live together then you definitely have to be transparent with what you can contribute. I just don't agree with it being brought up so soon. And what if your potential match doesn't make a lot of money but they treat you so good in other ways that you can't imagine anyone else taking their place? Would you really pass them by because they can't financially keep up to your standards?
Do you bring a resume to your dates? Do you exchange them and then converse on deal breakers and non-negotiables?
Character Matters More Than a Dating Resume
I do wonder if social media and modern dating have made it easier for us to evaluate people like a list of qualifications instead of taking the time to truly know them. We can see someone's job, house, vacations and lifestyle before we ever understand their heart. But none of those things tell us whether someone is trustworthy, compassionate, faithful or capable of building a genuine connection.
You want my résumé? Forget the résumé. I'd rather see who you are when no one is watching. How do you treat people who can't do anything for you? Are you honest when honesty costs you something? Are you kind when you're frustrated? That tells me far more about your character than your paycheck ever could. I don't care how much money you make, how many cars you own, how many houses you have or how many trips you can take me on if I can't trust you.
Maybe that's what we should really mean when we ask what someone brings to the table. Not a financial résumé, but character. Faith. Integrity. Kindness. Emotional maturity. The ability to communicate, forgive, support one another and grow together. Those things may not show up on a bank statement, but they're the things that can actually help build a healthy relationship.
Or maybe... instead of sitting down and exchanging resumes... exchange cell phones on your first date. You'll find out really fast what the person sitting across from you is bringing to the table or what they are doing when no one is watching. LOL
I can't wait to hear the feedback on this one...
What I Believe Matters Most in a Relationship
Looking back at this from 2024, I smile a little because I'm no longer writing from the dating world. I'm married now, and if anything, marriage has made my answer to this question even clearer. What someone brings to the table isn't just what they have—it's how they love.
It's showing up for one another. It's grace when neither of you gets it right. It's communication, forgiveness, laughter, patience and choosing to keep growing together. And for me, most importantly, it's keeping God at the center and continuing to learn what it means to love another person His way.
I still believe finances matter and that honest conversations about money have a place in a serious relationship. But a bank account can't comfort you on a hard day. A résumé can't pray with you. A house can't forgive you. And a nice car can't love you.
Character still matters. Faith still matters. How you love people still matters. That's what I want to bring to the table.
I'm still following Jesus and trying to love people the way He calls me to love them. I don't always get it right—and neither does anyone else—but I believe the way we love and treat one another says far more about what we bring to a relationship than anything we could list on a résumé.
Jesus said in John 13:34, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”
Maybe that's the better question for all of us—not just “What do you bring to the table?” but “How well do you love the people sitting at the table with you?”
Because at the end of the day, that's the kind of person I want to be.
We desperately need to get back to loving people the way God does.
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