Perimenopause is from the Devil

If you are a female and have entered the glorious season of life known as perimenopause then you will be able to relate to everything you are about to read - and I want you to know, you are not alone. If you are a survivor of this horrific physical war against yourself, I salute you - You are my idol… if you are not female nor of that special age yet then you may want to hit the X and not read any further. 

It started 17 years ago… oh you laugh… but my beautiful daughter was born 17 years ago, the last of the 3 children I gave birth to, and truth be known, I haven’t slept a solid 8 hours since. I haven’t slept an entire night through in 17 YEARS! 

This was just the beginning. Shortly after she was born I started with nights sweats. And when I say night sweats, I don’t mean a little clammy forehead… I mean saturated sheets, puddles of liquid collecting between my boobs and getting up to go outside to stand in the snow, naked, in the middle of the night kind of night sweats! The doctors assured me it was just my hormones balancing out after giving birth. They lied… they all lied. I have been imbalanced since I was 30.

Have you seen the video circling social media of the beautiful bald woman, watching a football game, wrapped in a blanket with actual steam coming off of her head. No? Google it - that is perimenopause. 

Fast forward through raising my children, getting divorced and starting life over again. Not sleeping and waking up in a pool of sweat had become “normal” for me. I just dealt with it. Then I would say somewhere between 45 and 46 things started to heat up.

Let me paint a picture for you of who I was before the devil sent the plague of all plagues my way. I was a kind person. I had the love of Jesus oozing from my pores. I had the patience of Job. I was empathetic and I sincerely loved people. If I could help you, I would and if I couldn't physically help you, I would go to my knees in prayer for you. I genuinely loved helping people. I loved being around people. I loved a good crowd and the energy that came from being around others. I looked at everyone as God’s sweet precious child and I just wanted to lay hands on them, anoint them with oil and pray for them. Now… laying hands on them has taking on a whole new meaning. 

Perimenopause comes just like the bible says, a thief in the night. It comes to steal, kill and destroy. It steals your sleep, it kills your energy and destroys your metabolism. I literally woke up one morning and couldn’t button my pants. I got on the scale and I was up 5lbs. I thought like most women do, I’m bloated, I need to poop. Nope… that 5lbs never left. Then that 5lbs was joined by another 5 and then another and before you know it I had gained 20lbs in 2 months. 

I was mortified. My soul sisters will be able to relate. I changed nothing!!!! Absofreakinlutely nothing! I was eating the same, exercising the same and drinking lots of water. So much water my pee was clear!!!! Mountain spring water clear! Prepared for defeat before I even made the appointment,  I conceited to go to the doctor.

Let me just say, if one more person, doctor or social media reel tells me to change my diet, I’m going to take my breakfast hard boiled egg and shove it so far up their sunny side that they will spend the same amount of time retrieving it that I’ve spent dieting. My PCP told me that as I get older my metabolism will naturally slow down and I will lose muscle mass which burns more fat than anything else so I need to diet and work out. Bless her sweet 30 something heart. She has no idea of the hell that awaits her.  I’m sure she didn’t believe me when I told her I had been starving myself but nevertheless I followed her strict protocol. Her protocol did Nothing… In fact I gained more weight. I went back and she did bloodwork that came back normal. So she sent me to my lady doctor who did more bloodwork and that also came back normal. Let me just interject and say if one more person tells me I am normal when I feel like an alien visiting a different planet inside my own body, I’m gonna run down the streets naked, singing my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard while holding a sign that says I identify as perimenopausal. My lady doctor suggested putting me on birth control. I told him that last time I took birth control I gained weight and he assured me this was a low dose just to help me balance out my hormones (which tested NORMAL) and I wouldn’t gain weight. First week on the pill I gained 8lbs. I went back to see him just so I could give him a big sarcastic thank you, toss my pack of pills at him and leave.

In between my kale smoothies and rigorous workouts I noticed that not only was I gaining weight but I was becoming extra sensitive. I was crying at everything. I had to take several time outs at work just to breathe and calm myself down after interacting with my guests. I experienced daily anxiety for the first time in my life.  I also noticed I was craving more alone time. I used to love going to hear live music and having dinner dates with my friends but now the thought of being around people after being around people at work all day just exhausted me. I love my job but I was even dreading going to work.

I found myself coming home and isolating myself in my room. I was never much of a TV watcher but now I was laid up by 7:30 binge watching Netflix and ignoring my texts. 

The isolation turned into my peace and having to “people” would create such rage in me that I would rather smack you in the face, hit you with a baseball bat or cut you out of my life completely rather than deal with you. I totally understand why Rage rooms are such a big hit. The thought of taking a bat and beating things to teeny tiny little pieces  makes me smile.

I became a road rager. I have always been patient in traffic, saying to myself, the Lord is just keeping me from an accident, or his momma must be sick, he’s gotta rush her to the hospital. Now it’s colorful terminology and pounding on the horn. Who am I?

Not only have I gained weight and started to utterly get disgusted by the sight of people but my night sweats have turned into skinny dipping in my own personal bed pool. Daytime hot flashes come out of nowhere and on the flip side I can get equally chilled. This makes dressing for work horrendous. Jacket on, jacket off. Do I wear pants or a dress with leggings? Do I wear layers because when the flash hits I sweat like a demon and once I peel a layer off I’m as cold as ice. It’s wonderful… absolutely splendid. 

And - oh yes - there is more… my skin is itchy, my hair is falling out and I pee more than I did when I was pregnant.  Should we talk about brain fog? This isn’t like the getting older, when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there. This is forgetting how to speak, forgetting words and what they mean, looking at the child you gave birth to and not being able to speak their name. I was at work recently, having a splendid conversation with my work bestie and in mid sentence I could not recall the word that was suppose to come next. With a slight head tilt she looked at me and asked if I was okay. All I could say was words, like literally the word words. I can’t words. I sat there defeated by brain fog for several minutes until I just gave up. 

No one warned me. No one said this would come out of nowhere and that one day I would be strolling along living life and feeling great and then all of a sudden I would go to sleep and wake up the next day feeling like a stranger in my own body. I seriously don’t recognize myself.

I don’t understand why there aren’t more specialists working in this field. I am sooooo tired of hearing it’s just a part of life. They have medications for everything!!! 

I’m on the hunt though. I may have found something that is helping, however, until I have tested it thoroughly I don’t want to disclose it’s contents. I know… I know… bare with me - unless you are also in the trenches of perimenopause, then by all means throw your phone or punch me through the screen, cuss me - I will not be offended… I understand. 

However, if sleep is an issue for you, I highly recommend Ashwagandha. It has definitely helped. I have been taking it off and on for several months now. The off part, is because when I run out, I forget to order more. And this reminds me, Ugh I’m out!

Also, I am not a paid affiliate for this product. I found it while scrolling TikTok one night not sleeping, toweling off the puddle that had formed between my boobs. I tried it and liked it. Loved it is exaggerating.

Don’t give up ladies. It’ll pass… eventually, so I’ve been told by the golden elders that have lived to tell about it. Also, murder is not an option. You won’t like it in jail. No beach, no cocktails, no chocolate pie or your friends and family, which I’m told, one day, we will like them again.

Most importantly, don’t keep this to yourself. You are not alone. Talk about it with other ladies your age. It has helped me tremendously. It makes me feel slightly normal while feeling completely abnormal. And I know only my perimenopause ladies will understand this. This is why we talk about it, this is why we overshare.

And lastly, to the men that want to identify as a woman, feel like you’ve been born in the wrong body - make sure that when you get your little booby growing, penis shrinking hormones from the doctor, you tell them you need the extra extra, so you can experience all of being a woman. You don’t get to play dress up in dresses and high heals with your fake boobs and claim you’re a woman. NO - you must go through the hell of perimenopause and survive - then and only then can you get your woman badge! 

The only perk of menopause thus far - you say whatever the heck you want and you don’t give a rip who likes it or doesn’t! (Insert whatever the Christian version of a middle finger is.)

I love you - I might not like you right now - but I love you!

Hang in there!