Through Faith, He Provides

Remember the days you prayed, for the things you have today. One of my friends posted this saying the other day and it really resonated with me. 

I have been on a healing journey since 2020 and I have lost track of the thousands of prayers I’ve cried before the Lord. If you follow my blog then you know 2020 is the year my husband of 20 years and I separated. And it wasn’t just the separation, it was all of the things that came with it. I was broken in ways I didn’t even know I could be broken.  I literally had to rebuild my life. My entire life.

I’ve tried multiple times over the years to explain the sheer devastation that this life event had on me and I always seem to fall short. If you have gone through tragedy, I’m sure you can relate. If you haven’t… then praise God and remain humble and grateful.

I want you to hear this next statement repeating over and over again in your mind just like the one I couldn’t shake. Whatever you go through in life is more important to God than it is to you. Why? Because God loves you and wants to work everything out for you, for your good and for His glory.

I’m tired of always hearing “It could be worse”... Yeah it could be, but thank God it isn’t because this right here… it almost broke me… and worse, would have killed me, so thank you God for knowing me better than I know myself and not allowing more to come on me than I was capable of handling. And praise your Holy Name for working it all out. 

Everything happened so fast. He said he was leaving, he moved out, and before I knew it we were selling our home. A home we had built together. A home where we used permanent marker to write scriptures on the foundation. We did this as a reminder that our home was literally built on the Word of God. Then next thing you know I was moving in with my parents. 

After backsliding, ignoring my hurt and dating a list of unhealed, broken, immature sad men (read my blog series “Dating Chronicles”) I decided I needed a plan to move forward with my life. I started saving every cent I could and decided that I would stay with my parents for 2 years and then I would buy my own home. Well unless you live under a rock, you should know what the mortgage interest rates have been since 2020. Ridiculous… that’s what they have been. Couple that with the sky rocketing home prices and for fun add in the fact that renting an apartment is just as expensive or moreso than buying a home and the sum of all of the above will leave you feeling… defeated, before you even get started.  At least… that’s how I felt.

I didn’t just lose my marriage, I lost everything except a storage unit full of memories and items that had once filled a happy home (or what I thought was happy). I was literally rebuilding my entire life and it has been hard. I am thankful for my friends and family and most of all my 3 babies. They have been the sole reason that I have pushed through as hard as I have. They watched me preach “Don’t Give Up” their entire lives and even though I had backslid in my walk with God, I was not about to completely give up. They needed to see faith without works is dead… and I needed to experience it. Let me interject here and tell you this… if you are believing in God for BIG things and using BIG Faith… then you have to put in BIG works. 

Well… my 2 year plan turned into a 5 year plan… I kept hearing the scripture Isaiah 55:8-9 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways. And my thoughts more than your thoughts.” I didn’t understand why I was going through what I was going through and I definitely cried myself to sleep many nights, but Praise God,  I didn’t give up. 

I prayed every day that God would lead me to the right home and that He would make a way for me to purchase that home. 

There is a neighborhood across the street from where my parents live. I get up early almost every morning and walk this neighborhood. I grew up in this area and I went to school with a lot of people that used to live there. During my morning walks there has been one house in particular that always caught my attention. It was exactly what I wanted. A nice brick rancher with an absolutely beautiful yard. The owner has gone on to be with Jesus and her son is a childhood friend of mine. I would walk by this house everyday and stretch my hand towards it and pray and claim, one day, in the Name of Jesus, it will be mine. 

My lack of faith convinced me I couldn’t afford it. I went to look at other homes, and I perused apartments online. However, I could not stop thinking about this house. This house gave me peace. The other homes I went to see just didn’t give me peace. I can’t explain it… but when I would go to look at other homes, I would walk in and literally this feeling would come over me that spoke, not this one. So, I kept praying. 

I remember one day I went to see a home that had been completely renovated. It was in a neighborhood I was very familiar with, it was priced way under my budget, it was closer to my job and I just knew this was the house. I walked in and immediately felt sick to my stomach. There was this “no peace” feeling again. Ugh…. My mom was with me that day. When we got in the car she said, “honey, you just have to be patient, God has the perfect house for you.” I hate the word patient. I am patient…lol… It's been 5 years! Begrudgingly I took her advice. I stopped going to look at houses and I continued to do the things I could do. At this point, work, save money and pray. 

The next morning I went for a walk. As I started to pass by the house I had been claiming, I decided to walk the loop of its circular paved driveway. I took my time and prayed with every step. I know that God already knows our hearts in moments like this but I also know that the prayer is more for us and our connection with Him. God knows everything about us. He knows the things we don’t know. He knows the future and why the timing has to be the way it is. He knows and we don’t and that is why it is so important for us to surrender our will to His. The surrender is for us… not Him. It is in these moments that we draw closer to Him and we realize that He has the power to do all things - and all we need to do - is have faith in His Power.

I prayed, God if this is your Will for me, then make a way. And guess what? He Did!

I’m still in disbelief. It doesn’t feel real. But - it is real. This house is mine. After an extended 3 year stay at my parent’s home, I own my own home. 

God never gave up on me. There were times that I felt like I had given up on myself… but it was in those moments I could feel His love surrounding me. Sometimes it was through my children, my parents, my time in His Word, my morning ride to work listening to Praise and Worship. Sometimes it was in the shower where I would just let the water run over me while I sobbed, “God this is too hard.” He never left me, He never gave up on me and He always made a way when there seemed to be no way.

My career is thriving, I’m still acting and shooting commercials, I just got back from a bucket list trip to Yellowstone with my middle son who just graduated from college. If it sounds like I am bragging… it is because I am! I am bragging on the goodness of God. The amazing way that God will restore your broken pieces. The way that God will make a way when there seems to be no way. The way that God loves us unconditionally! 

God is so good! He is so so good!

Even in my brokenness, even in my mess, even when I was backsliding and not living right and rebelling… God loved me! He loved me through it! He didn’t leave, He didn’t walk away, He made a way when there seemed to be no way. 

He is literally the only thing in my life that has been steady, reassuring, peaceful, loving, kind and unwavering!!! The ONLY thing!

This is why I serve Him - This is why I love Him - This is why I have devoted my life to telling others about my hardships… so when things like this happen - I can give Him the glory and honor and let others know… He loves you too!!! 

He loves you! I promise you… If you take a beat, give all your worries to Him and trust His plan for your life, over your own… The path will eventually become clear. It won’t be in your time… I can promise you that too… but after it all comes together, you will see why His timing is perfect.

Pray. Believe. Trust. Oh - and be patient! LOL

God bless… and please Don’t Give Up!