Why am I so emotional? I wear my
feelings on my sleeve, no doubt about it. You never have to guess what I am
thinking or feeling, because it is right out there in the open. I knew this day
was coming. It has been coming for us every September, every year for the last
nine years. I knew it was coming when we went back to school shopping and I sat
there patiently while my teen and tween tried on more clothes than I have in my
closet. I knew it was coming when we walked in the shoe store and the smell of
fresh rubber mixed with sweaty feet filled my nose. I knew it was coming when the shopping cart
overflowed with pens and pencils and what seemed to be enough school supplies
for the entire school. I knew it was
coming, but I was not
prepared. Last night when I tucked my three heart strings
into bed, said their prayers and kissed them good night, I knew what the
morning would bring. I knew summer was finally over and our long days together
were over too. I thought I would do a little happy dance after my three babies
left for school and I would finally have my days to myself. I could get my work
done without interruption and without having to stop every five minutes to
break up sibling rivalries. I could take a nap, eat lunch at two o’clock
instead of twelve, and go to the bathroom in peace. I did not dance. When my eighth grader and sixth grader
climbed up on the old yellow bus this morning I bawled like a new born baby
getting spanked by the doctor for the first time. My husband looked at me and
laughed. He put his arm around me and rubbed my neck and smiled. He said, “You
are so emotional, they will be fine”. I
know they will be fine. We do this every year and every year they are fine, but
every year they are getting older and more independent and I have mixed
emotions about it. I’m not sure why
seeing my boys grow up bothers me so much more than my daughter. She is in
first grade this year. When she climbed those big bus steps her short brown
hair just bounced along as she giddily chatted to her friends from the bus
stop. I smiled and waved. I felt like I was sending her off to a safe place
where she will learn and grow and shine. She is still innocent and pure. She
has not yet been introduced to the harsh reality that this world can sometimes
bring. It pulls at my heart to see her go, because I will miss our long morning
cuddles and daily adventures, but I know that when she gets off the bus this
afternoon, she will run into my arms, I will pick her up and swing her around
and plant kisses all over her face as she smiles and squeezes my neck. But to see my boys leave breaks my heart.
They are growing up so fast. The music they listen to, the television shows
they watch, the decisions they are faced with; it brings them closer to
adulthood, and I am not ready. Will I ever be ready? When they get off the bus this afternoon they
will give me a hug to appease me and will probably even let me give them
kisses; that they will wipe off. I will have to pull out of them what their day
was like. I will have to ask them just the right questions, without seeming too
nosy to get the information that I seek. They are smart, so they will know
what I am doing, but if I play my cards just right, they will talk. I love that
they are growing up. It is better than the alternative that unfortunately too
many parents have had to face. I love that they are more independent, but I
miss their dependence on me. It seems so odd to look at my 13 year old; who has
a bigger foot than me; is almost as tall as me; and can definitely out run me,
and see a baby. My baby. I have always heard from the older generations, that
your babies are always your babies. My mom tells me that I, at 35, am still her
baby. My grandmother tells me that my dad, at 60, is still her baby. I am
starting to understand. They grow but while they are growing so is our love for
them. It never stops. Every new phase in life brings a new bond, a new level of
closeness, and a deeper relationship. There is a bond between parent and child,
that when nurtured as it should be, is solid and constant. My parents loved me, supported me and
encouraged me, and still do to this day. The bible says “Train up a child in
the way they should go and when they are older they will not depart from it”.
My husband and I are doing our best to train our children the way they should
go. That is all we can do. One day they will leave and not come home to us.
They will have their own homes and their own families. I guess that is one
reason this day is so bitter sweet. It is a blessing to see them grow and
mature. It is also a blessing to know that I have a leading role in the person
they are becoming. On the other side, it
shakes me up a little bit to see them growing so fast. I am so thankful that God gave them to me.
They are special gifts straight from heaven sent to my husband and myself to
care for here on earth. I guess it is normal then, to feel such emotional highs
and lows when we are entrusted with something so valuable. I am not sad. I am happy that I have three
beautiful children that I get to teach, love, nurture, encourage and bless. I
don’t think I am alone either. I believe there are other moms and dads out
there this morning feeling exactly what I am feeling. I have dried my tears and
given thanks to God. I have prayed that their day is blessed and full of favor.
I have done all I can do for now. The adventure continues and I plan to enjoy
every moment of it. God Bless.
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