Dating Chronicles: Ghosted

Ugh… the infamous - Ghosted! What a load of crap! It is the most immature thing someone can to do someone that you have actually spent time with… talking, dating or even just texting. Just get over yourself, grow up and communicate! Am I bitter? No… lol - just irritated. Honestly the guy that ghosted me, I didn’t even like. Haha! I know… I know… it sounds bitter - but I promise - I really didn’t see it going anywhere… however, I would have never ghosted him - I would  have simply said… and I was about to… “I’m just not feeling it.” Boom! Done and done. Simple, honest and some closure. I guess it’s because I’m a grown up… and he isn’t. And for some of my readers that may not be familiar with this term (for you mom… haha) it means: someone cuts off all communication without explanation. (Insert hand on the forehead emoji)

So it begins… an old high school acquaintance finds out I’m single and reaches out through social media. I immediately go to their profile to see if time has been good to them. Don’t you dare throw judgment at me at this point. We have all done this. I know I am not alone. I wasn’t overly impressed by the pics but my sister and bestie are constantly telling me I’m too picky… soooooo I overlook the fact that I don’t find him attractive and continue to converse. (I admit, I did like all of the outdoorsy pics I saw, fishing, hiking etc. It showed we had something in common.) At first I was glad I overlooked the fact that I wasn’t physically attracted to him. He really did have an awesome personality. We moved from social media chatting to texting and then to actual phone calls. He actually called. He could carry on a real conversation, we talked about real life things and he loved the outdoors… huge bonus in my book. 

First date was at a cute little restaurant that I had never been to but had been wanting to try. After we ate we walked around and visited lots of cute little quirky shops. He insisted we go into all of them… haha and he actually seemed into it. I wasn’t feeling any chemistry (this is big for me - physical touch is my love language) but I was really enjoying his company - so I thought to myself… if he asks… I’ll go out with him again. Chemistry can grow… right? I guess we’ll never know… cause he freaking ghosted me! Not yet though… there’s more…

After our first date he texted me while I was at work. He told me when I got a chance to go out to my car… he had left something out there for me. It was a single, long stem pink rose. So sweet! He had come and gone and I never knew it. Adorbs! The phone calls continued… he went out of town for a few days with the fellas, he sent me pics, video chatted and brought me back a gift. It seemed as if he was really trying. He paid attention when I talked, he knew my style, what I liked, what I didn’t like. He was great at communicating and even though I still wasn’t “attracted” to him… I thought that maybe the chemistry would come. I was starting to let my walls down a little and I agreed to a second date.

Second date went great. Another great restaurant and more good conversation. He gave me my gift from his trip and I loved it… still have it… and wear it (it’s a hat) LOL - Afterwards I had to go pretty quickly so a swift goodbye in the parking lot was all we had time for… he was going to lean in for a kiss… I could feel it… I dodged it… but he smiled and kissed me on my hand. Sooo sweet! He asked me to let him know that I got home safe… I did… he texted thank you and sweet dreams. Total gentlemen at all times.

So even though we had only seen each other twice we had been in contact and were talking on the phone pretty regularly. My kid schedule makes it hard for me to date consistently in the early stages (no one has made it past the early stages…lol). I only have my daughter every other week and I don’t date when she’s with me. My work schedule is crazy too but he was totally cool with working around everything. He made the effort and I appreciated it. Our phone calls were lasting longer and I thought even though I’m not feeling the goosebumps… I am really liking our talks and time together. I thought… hmmmm…. Maybe something could come of this. But - we will never know will we? Cause… he ghosted me!

2 dates, hundreds of texts and phone calls in between and a 3rd date pending and I was actually thinking… I’m going to kiss him… ya know just to see if sparks fly. It took a minute to schedule our third date but he was really putting in some effort. The plan was for him to pick me up when I got off work from work at my work. He told me to bring a change of clothes and that we would be outside and I needed to dress warm. He had been building it up and honestly I was pretty excited. We confirmed the night before, verbally on the phone. 

The day of our date… I heard nothing. I heard absolutely nothing. We had just talked on the phone the night before, gone over the plan and confirmed. I got a little worried. I thought something had happened to him. I waited for 30 minutes outside my job when I got off work and nothing. I texted, “are you ok”... nothing.  I even prayed for him. I really thought something bad had happened. I went home and saw his freaking green light on Facebook. Yep! He was alive and probably talking to someone else… hahaha… So guess what I did? I let it go. #facts

Ladies, let me interject here… I know… I know… I’m not the only one that this has happened too… but from this point forward - Here Me Out! Do not show your crazy when you get ghosted! This is not the time to blow them up… call them incessantly, or show up at their work or home. Let. It. Go. Yes, it sucks…. Yes it is rude and immature… Yes you deserve better! But showing your crazy only makes what they did to you seem more valid in their mind when you act a fool. Let. It. Go. Walk away. God has better for you! I promise. And for the love of all things classy… do not post your drama on social media. You act crazy…. You gonna attract crazy! Lemme say it again… Let. It. Go. 

I never heard a peep. Nothing. He never said I’m okay… I’m sorry… I’m a jerk… nada! I never reached back out either. It took a few days of shaking my head… but I let it go. Then…. dadadadadum… 6 months later - Yes! 6 months later… he reaches out and says “I owe you an apology”... ya think??? Bahahahaha! He went into some long explanation as to what he thought was a decent apology and my response - “no worries” and that was it. He tried again and once again - I let it go. I did not engage. Sorry bud… you had your chance and it’s gone… gone… gone… never ever to be revisited. 

I’m seriously not bitter. I mean if I’m not bitter with my ex after walking out on me after 20 years of marriage why in the world would I let this guy get under my skin after just a few months. Yes, I was disappointed. I was also baffled at the fact that someone could simply just stop communicating with me after building what I felt like was going to be something… whether it just be a good friend or something more… Now neither of those things will ever manifest. I also thought… Could this happen again? And guess what… it can and it probably will. Shortly after my experience my sister and bestie went through very similar situations. We all just sat around man bashing for a bit… sorry guys… your name is mud in our books. In all seriousness though… the reality of it is this - my walls went back up and thicker than they were before. It obviously wasn’t meant to be. Did you read my post about kissing lots of frogs? Well… I dodged the bullet on this one… no kisses were exchanged. Haha! Lessons were learned though. If it’s meant to be it’ll be and if it isn’t… it isn’t. 

Men, let me address you for a minute. In case you didn’t know this already… women love to communicate. If we like you then we want to hear from you. Text us, call us, we don’t even care if you interrupt our mani pedis… if we like you… we want to hear from you. If we don’t like you… then we will let you know. We do not like being dragged along. We do like games… fun bantering… flirting… teasing… we love it! We do not like having to guess whether or not you like us, want to hang out with us etc… Soooooo here is some solid advice  you can take to the bank and cash out - If you like a woman - tell her! Just like that… say “I like you.” OMG… so freaking easy right. If you don’t… then tell her… “I don’t see this working out, I’m sorry.” Boom! It’s done. You don’t need to give a long lengthy explanation as to why… just be respectful and give her some closure. Women love closure. I mean we may not love getting dumped but I promise we love the closure and the opportunity it presents to be able to move on and heal. And - for goodness sake - don’t ghost. Do Not Ghost! 

Women, if you have ever ghosted a man… don’t do it again. It isn’t nice. I recently spoke with a guy that was on the other side of this. It really hurt his feelings. I know men don’t seem to have feelings most of the time… especially when they are the ones doing the ghosting… but some of them do. I’m not talking about the creeps… I’m talking about the genuinely nice guys. I asked a woman that I know why did she ghost… She said the guy was too nice and she just didn’t want to hurt his feelings by actually saying, “I don’t like you.”. Well guess what buttercup… you hurt his feelings anyway because you cut off all communication without telling him why. Just tell them. Tell them! 

I’ve been reading a lot of books on relationships since my divorce. And working in ministry for over 20 years taught me a lot about human behavior. This one thing remains solid. You cannot control other people but you can control yourself. Work on you, your actions, your responses and how you feel about yourself. Being ghosted isn’t a reflection of who you are… but who they are. And yes, there are lots of reasons for ghosting and some may even be valid, like they had a sudden death in their family or another tragedy etc… but how you inevitably respond will determine how you feel moving forward. Don’t give energy to things or people that don’t want it or don’t need it. 

The bible says in Romans 8:28 “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”

I choose to believe that as long as I’m seeking God first in my life… He is going to keep me from the things and people that aren’t for me. So if I get ghosted… God is going to use that to keep me from someone He does not want in my life. Furthermore, why would we want to chase after someone who obviously didn’t respect us enough to communicate their thoughts. Let. It. Go. Move on… the sun will shine tomorrow… or the next day… or the next. It’s okay to have a bad day or a bad moment… but don’t set up camp there. God has better for you! I promise. 

Be kind. Extend mercy. Love never fails.

Photo by Ryan Miguel Capili from Pexels