Dating Chronicles: Pick Up Lines & Dating Again

 Did I seriously just title a blog post “Dating Again”? This crazy new season of life is coming with changes faster than I can keep up with them. It’s been exactly 569 days since my separation and 82 days since my divorce was final. No, I’m not keeping track...hahahaha… I Googled it! So - it’s been roughly a year and half of singleness and I’ve finally decided to openly blog about it… my heart is telling me NO and my mind is screaming YES - because frankly - some of this stuff is just too funny to keep to myself.

Sooooo goodbye to blogs of yesteryear... where I was married, raising a family and actively running a ministry. I've always heard things change in the blink of eye - well... I'm learning this isn't just a saying... it is truth!

I'm saying hello to shaving my legs every day (Lord help me), co-parenting and dating... again.... and again.... and again (Seriously... Lord help me). 

I feel like my favorite scripture still applies... because the Word of God never changes - Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ whom strengthens me. Never thought I'd use it in this context - but here we go!

I haven't waited until recently to date… just waited to blog about it - but early on - waaaaaay too early I tested the dating waters and let’s just say - it scared the bejesus outa me and I retreated! Seriously - there was an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other and the angel was yelling “retreat, retreat, retreat!”. Thank God I did! I can only imagine what would have come of it… well some things did come of it - but we’ll save that for another time - perhaps after a bottle or 2 of wine. 

But - there is one thing that has come of it - this post! Honestly, I wonder what goes through people’s minds right before they reach out to you. Do they have a list of pick up lines to choose from - and if so - do they really think - “Hey, is that a mirror in your pocket, cause I see myself in your pants” is going to be the one to seal the deal??? Please - if that line has worked on you - let me know - and then let me know - why?

I’ve heard it all from “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” to “Hey, don’t ya think we’d make beautiful babies together?” - No...no sir I do not. I don’t even want to make a sandwich with you! I mean I understand that there is something to be said for the courage it takes to approach a stranger and to try to start a conversation… especially in this crazy COVID world we are living in today. That reminds me - one guy asked me (as an opener) - “So, have you had your shot yet?” Ugh… it’s exhausting.

Out of everything I could get bitter with my ex for - the one thing that has been the hardest - is that I have to go through all of this again. Okay, I know I don’t have to… I could choose to remain single and at this point it looks like that is where I’m headed. But - there are aspects to having a significant other that I miss. If you have been through or going through what I'm going through then I'm sure you can imagine. 

Okay for the sake of getting sidetracked because I know I do - let me share some of these pick up lines. I asked a few friends to weigh in with their best ones and coupled with my own experiences here is what we have - for your amusement and ours. LOL - In no particular order:

Is that a ninja in your pants, cause your butt is kicking.

Let’s do like Marvin Gaye and get it on.

Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

Feel my shirt. Know what it’s made of? Boyfriend material.

Did your license get suspended for driving all these guys crazy?

Send me your CashApp, cause I’d love to spoil you.

Did you just come out of the oven? Because you’re hot!

Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again?

Are you a magician? Because when I’m looking at you, you make everyone else disappear!

I’d say God bless you, but it looks like he already has! 

There are more, so many more, LOL - I'm stuck between laughing and shaking my head. There have been so many of these flooding my social media inboxes since my divorce went public that most days I just hit delete without opening them. I guess goodbye are the days of meeting someone organically. Online is the new grocery store meet cute in the produce aisle. Sigh... I haven't signed up on any sites yet... and to be honest - I don't think I will. But mama always said, "Never say never." 

Okay, I'm sure you are wondering did any of these pick up lines work? No, not one of them ended on a date… but if you make me laugh, your chances are far greater of landing a date than if you didn't. 

Time out - let's be real, if you can't make me laugh - we weren't meant to be. A sense of humor is sexy and most of my girlfriends agree... they tell me a sense of humor is high on the list of what they are looking for in someone.  

I’ve been asked repeatedly… What works? What can a guy or girl say or do to score a date? Listen Linda listen... I know for a while I shared scriptures of encouragement and maybe even offered some advice when solicited - BUT - if you are asking me for any sort of dating advice, then you are asking the wrong person. I'm hoping by putting this blog out there some of you will send me some advice! 

I don’t know what I’m having for breakfast most days or if I’m even going to eat breakfast - so asking me for any type of single status relationship advice is going to get you and most likely me in a lot of trouble. Let's save that for the experts. This is brand spanking new for me and these first few blogs that I'm writing I will be sharing my stories and my opinions but most definitely no real advice will be given.

However, I’m not hating it. I thought I would… but when I learned to laugh at it all - things completely changed. Yeah, yeah… it’s mean - laughing at these poor blokes putting themselves out there. I mean… I don’t laugh in their face - well except that one time. (horrible story - another day) And I’m not really laughing at them (well sometimes) but I’m really laughing at my situation. After 23 years of being with the same person - I am having to start all over again. Juggling the single mom life… and it’s literally juggling. Balls everywhere - take it how you will. 

So my observation thus far is this, if you really want to “talk” to someone to get to know them, then pay attention to what they post, what they do, what their beliefs are and open with that… and if you are really just looking for a one night stand - open with that - so no time is wasted. That’ll get you blocked from me - but hey - at least we didn’t waste each other’s time. 

I am finding that I am most attracted to someone that is honest, original, funny and good looking to me - yep - for this chick - looks absolutely matter. Shallow? Maybe - but at least I'm honest. What doesn’t work is a dry personality- overly cocky - telling me how great you are and listing all of your accomplishments… bleh… I can Google your resume and if you can’t make me laugh then we are wasting our time. #FACTS

I’ll end with my favorite pick up line to date: It didn’t score him an actual date… but it made me laugh so hard I will always remember him.

Does that bathing suit mean you're looking for a cub? Because I’d like to volunteer!

Bold - funny - and I didn’t have the heart to tell him it was leopard print - not cougar! Bahahahaha!