The Harsh Judgement of Others
When others unrightfully judge us it can be so harsh and unexpected that it stops us in our tracks but for some reason we let it define what we think of ourselves anyway. Why?
I find myself in one of the most difficult situations of my life and because I am concerning myself of what others will think of me I find myself crying in agony on the daily.
My grandmother, 85, lives with me. She has kidney failure. She is dying. She is not eating or drinking enough to keep herself going and it is pure hell watching her go through this. We have people (that we pay out of pocket) coming in to take care of her during the day and the family takes shifts sitting with her at night until we put her to bed.
She is wearing a diaper. She can’t walk. She can barely communicate. She cries when we bathe her. It seems so cruel. Someone that served God faithfully her entire life is now suffering a terrible end. It seems so unfair. But we are not promised fair. We are promised eternal glory. That will have to do.
I am angry, sad, hopeful it will end. Does that sound morbid? I feel morbid. There are days I pray for her suffering to end. There are days I pray for a miracle. There are days I question everything. There are days I praise God for everything. There are days like today where I do both.
She played possum the other night. What a sick demented joke to play. I lost my mind for a brief moment. My husband and I just stared at each other. Both of us thinking she was gone. Then she popped up and smiled. I was angry at first. Then later I found myself laughing at her twisted sense of humor. It’s okay to laugh. Is it? I have a friend that says find the funny. Then when I do, I feel guilty for laughing. Laughter is medicine for the soul. Can there be laughter in death?
These are just some of the struggles I battle moment to moment but the greatest is where do we go from here? I let what others think about us moving her to a different type of home define how I feel about myself. I live with a constant internal battle of: “She’s been with us 8 years, I’ve paid my dues, to how can I abandon her at the end of her life. I have life left to live. I have hopes, plans, dreams and a future I believe God has called me to live. Do I give it all up and become a full time caretaker? I can’t.” Even if it was emotionally right for me and my family, physically I can’t. Every morning after I get her up, bathed, changed, dressed, medicated; I sit on my heating pad for an hour to help my back recover from the mornings routine. It is exhausting. Emotionally and physically.
I have family telling me it’s okay, they understand, I still have a family to raise, a ministry to work and a husband to date. Then there are the whispers of the extended family and friends who think they know more than what they know. Everyone has an opinion. Why do I let the minority ring louder than the majority? Why do I let those that don’t have all of the facts weigh heavier in my decision making than those that do have all of the facts? The struggle is real.
I am learning many things through this season in my life. One of the greatest lessons is that God’s judgement is really the only one that matters. How He judges us is how we should define ourselves. After all, He knows our true intentions, He sees our heart and knows us intimately. He says I am loved. He says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He says He is strong in my weakness. He says I am destined for glory. He says my sins are forgiven. Past, present and future. So even if I make a mistake, He knows my heart, and it will all work out in the end. Her end. My end. Our eternity will be peaceful.
I find myself relating to Mandisa’s song “Unfinished” when she says,
“Not scared to say it
I used to be the one
Preaching it to you
That you could overcome
I still believe it
But it ain't easy
'Cause that world I painted
Where things just all work out
It started changing
And I started having doubts
And it got me so down
But I picked myself back up
And I started telling me
No, my God's not done
Making me a masterpiece
He's still working on me…”
I’m trusting in Him. His judgement, His guidance, His love...He is my ROCK on which I will stand. I am determined not to let the judgement of others weigh me down. I am seeking God’s peace because He is the only One who can give it to me.
Let me encourage you to do the same. If you are finding yourself on the other side of someone else’s unrightful judgement please turn the other cheek. Seek God and His word for your answers and peace. His Word is the last Word.
I find myself in one of the most difficult situations of my life and because I am concerning myself of what others will think of me I find myself crying in agony on the daily.
My grandmother, 85, lives with me. She has kidney failure. She is dying. She is not eating or drinking enough to keep herself going and it is pure hell watching her go through this. We have people (that we pay out of pocket) coming in to take care of her during the day and the family takes shifts sitting with her at night until we put her to bed.
She is wearing a diaper. She can’t walk. She can barely communicate. She cries when we bathe her. It seems so cruel. Someone that served God faithfully her entire life is now suffering a terrible end. It seems so unfair. But we are not promised fair. We are promised eternal glory. That will have to do.
I am angry, sad, hopeful it will end. Does that sound morbid? I feel morbid. There are days I pray for her suffering to end. There are days I pray for a miracle. There are days I question everything. There are days I praise God for everything. There are days like today where I do both.
She played possum the other night. What a sick demented joke to play. I lost my mind for a brief moment. My husband and I just stared at each other. Both of us thinking she was gone. Then she popped up and smiled. I was angry at first. Then later I found myself laughing at her twisted sense of humor. It’s okay to laugh. Is it? I have a friend that says find the funny. Then when I do, I feel guilty for laughing. Laughter is medicine for the soul. Can there be laughter in death?
These are just some of the struggles I battle moment to moment but the greatest is where do we go from here? I let what others think about us moving her to a different type of home define how I feel about myself. I live with a constant internal battle of: “She’s been with us 8 years, I’ve paid my dues, to how can I abandon her at the end of her life. I have life left to live. I have hopes, plans, dreams and a future I believe God has called me to live. Do I give it all up and become a full time caretaker? I can’t.” Even if it was emotionally right for me and my family, physically I can’t. Every morning after I get her up, bathed, changed, dressed, medicated; I sit on my heating pad for an hour to help my back recover from the mornings routine. It is exhausting. Emotionally and physically.
I have family telling me it’s okay, they understand, I still have a family to raise, a ministry to work and a husband to date. Then there are the whispers of the extended family and friends who think they know more than what they know. Everyone has an opinion. Why do I let the minority ring louder than the majority? Why do I let those that don’t have all of the facts weigh heavier in my decision making than those that do have all of the facts? The struggle is real.
I am learning many things through this season in my life. One of the greatest lessons is that God’s judgement is really the only one that matters. How He judges us is how we should define ourselves. After all, He knows our true intentions, He sees our heart and knows us intimately. He says I am loved. He says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He says He is strong in my weakness. He says I am destined for glory. He says my sins are forgiven. Past, present and future. So even if I make a mistake, He knows my heart, and it will all work out in the end. Her end. My end. Our eternity will be peaceful.
I find myself relating to Mandisa’s song “Unfinished” when she says,
“Not scared to say it
I used to be the one
Preaching it to you
That you could overcome
I still believe it
But it ain't easy
'Cause that world I painted
Where things just all work out
It started changing
And I started having doubts
And it got me so down
But I picked myself back up
And I started telling me
No, my God's not done
Making me a masterpiece
He's still working on me…”
I’m trusting in Him. His judgement, His guidance, His love...He is my ROCK on which I will stand. I am determined not to let the judgement of others weigh me down. I am seeking God’s peace because He is the only One who can give it to me.
Let me encourage you to do the same. If you are finding yourself on the other side of someone else’s unrightful judgement please turn the other cheek. Seek God and His word for your answers and peace. His Word is the last Word.
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