Can People Change?

“Can people change?” They absolutely can! However, do people want to change? That is the real question that we should be asking ourselves and others.

I have learned over the years that change is something someone must want and they must want it more than anything - and I mean anything - because if not, it simply will not become a priority. I have also learned that to change, first, we must truly know who we are and why it is we are seeking this change - because if we don’t, then it will never happen.

I've learned many lessons while walking with God but one of the hardest lessons has been that you cannot change other people. The Word says nothing is impossible with God - not with man - but with God - God must be the one - and even in that He doesn't mess with free will - so the one that needs the changing must be seeking God for the change.

I hope I didn't burst your bubble. Keep praying. Prayer definitely reaches God's ear and allows for multiple opportunities for people to see the change they need to make in themselves - but I can't help but wonder if it isn't always the other people but rather the ones praying for those other people - that actually need the change. Light bulb? Yeah - I have had several of those light up throughout the years. I know - it's so much easier to pray for the faults we see in others...but truly...real change comes when we begin to pray for it in ourselves.

I was a pastor for many years and throughout those years I counseled (or tried to) many different people. I learned a very valuable lesson sitting across from those folks...they wanted to talk about change - but very few were willing to make the changes they needed to in their lives to actually get to the point where they would see change. I don't know why - I mean - I have my speculations - but my conclusion was always this - they didn't want it more than they wanted anything else...because if they did..they wouldn't stop until they got it. Sound judgy? Maybe - but I can honestly say this is a HUGE plank that I've yanked out of my own eye...so prayerfully I can help others get the stick out of theirs.

I spent many years of my life being miserable because I couldn’t get people to do what I wanted them to do. I thought if everyone would just see things my way or come around to my point of view then the world or at least my world would be great. Wrong! I know you are probably thinking that sounds great, if everyone saw things “my” way then I wouldn’t have all of this stress in my life. I could get things done so much faster and I would have days full of peace instead of strife. I told myself this same lie for many years. The truth is - unless you are willing to change the things about yourself that see all of these imperfections in others you will always be miserable. You will always be miserable because nothing will ever be good enough for you. The reason you seek to change others is because of something deep down inside of yourself that you are not happy with and it is easier to point out someone else’s imperfections than it is to look in the mirror and deal with your own.

Side Bar - Discernment is different. Your Spirit may discern something in others that you need to stay clear of or pray for in a specific area. We don't want to see our brothers and sisters stumble and fall. This is biblical. However trying to force someone to change something about themselves just because you 'think' they should is completely different. We are discussing the latter.

Back in 2009, Tom my husband, and myself went through a marital rough patch. He and I were both miserable and wanting to blame the other for our miseries. We decided to go to counseling and I prayed for God to open my eyes to what the real problem was. He opened them alright, right in the mirror while staring at myself.  What I saw in myself was not pretty. It was pretty crippling actually but with the help of the Lord I changed. It was one of the hardest seasons of my life...but I'm here to say, I endured, I overcame, through Jesus I got the victory and we have been happily married since March 2000.

I will admit for the first month or so of this rough patch I prayed everyday for God to change Tom and I am pretty sure he was praying for God to change me. But when did the change actually come? The change came when we both stopped pointing our finger at the other person and realized we had three pointing back at ourselves. The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. I changed my prayer from Lord change Tom, to Lord change me.

I remember the day well, I was in bed praying and reading a book on relationships and then all of a sudden out of the air I got knocked to my knees. These words filled my heart. “You are controlling, manipulative and selfish”. What? Me? Who? No way! Yep, it was true. Those words humbled me. I fell to my knees and asked God to forgive me. Next, I asked Tom to forgive me. He did. Tom did not immediately do the same but after seeing the genuine change in me for almost a year...yeah I said year - Tom finally came to his humbling moment and asked for my forgiveness as well. How did I endure that year? With God all things are possible. That's another blog for another day.

I will admit it doesn’t 'feel' good to admit things to ourselves about ourselves that are ugly. We spend so much time trying to cover them up so no one else can see them that we eventually forget they are there. But they are there. They show up in our actions, our words and even our thoughts. The truth always comes out...eventually. Even though it was hard, admitting my faults was the best thing I could have done for myself and for my marriage. A few moments crying out to God for forgiveness and then humbling myself before my husband and then time well spent working on the things I needed to change... was well worth the victorious outcome. Pride can be very dangerous. Pride of not admitting your faults and remaining stubborn in that you're always right and the other person is wrong and that they need to change and not you...can lead to devastating consequences. For me it would have surely led to divorce, thus ripping my family apart, and remaining ignorant to what others already saw. No thank you! I will take humbling myself any day over a lifetime of pain and regret. Puts it in perspective doesn’t it? Yet this truth will still miss so many...just like it did in my office...counseling those that said they wanted change.

It takes time to achieve change. If you aren't willing to see the change that needs to be made in your own life then how can you expect others to change themselves? If you aren't willing to do what needs to be done then how can you expect the same of others? These were questions I had to face - maybe you need to face - maybe you need to pray about - or maybe you're perfect??? Hmmmm...

I understand some people may have harmful behaviors that need attention right away and maybe they are incapable of making these decisions for themselves. I am not talking about that today. I am talking about those that are completely capable of using the gift of self-control that Jesus died to give us.

I know it seems harsh...but you know what...sometimes Jesus said "turn and sin no more". He did it out of love. Because He knew what He was dying to give you. He already knows what your best life looks like and He wants you to live it. However He can't make you do it. That is part of the gift...the freedom to choose it...or deny it. When you deny it...you deny the cross. I can't imagine it...but unfortunately so many do.

The bible says this in 1 Thessalonians 5:11 “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”  We are instructed to encourage one another and you can't do that if you are constantly pointing out the flaws in other people. I want to encourage you to look in the mirror and make a decision to stop judging others so harshly. Make a decision to change your prayer from "Lord change _____ to Lord change me". That old saying “be the change you want to see in the world”... yeah...that's a good place to start.