Dating Chronicles: You Should Have Done Better

Alright... alright! I know I said I was done with the "Dating Chronicle" blogs .... And I was (because I'm in my engaged era) ... lol - but then I saw this post on social media and it said this - "If you wanted me to speak more highly of you then perhaps you should have treated me better... You don't get to narrate MY story of MY experiences with you."  And this quote resonated throughout my entire being like a resounding gong!

I felt every word of that statement run through my veins. It awakened something deep down inside of me that I can't explain. I have purposely chosen not to write about some of my horrible experiences because I was asked not to... by at least 4 different men.  And... now that I'm in a clearer state of mind, it makes perfect sense. Of course they asked me not to write about them... because they treated me like crap! Yet - even as I write this - I hear God whispering to my heart, "What would Jesus do?" Hmmmm... He'd let Peter cut off their ear and then He'd put it back on...   Okay - probably not - but maybe - I mean that did happen in the bible. I wonder if Jesus would re-attach any body part that gets cut off? Just a thought... However, I am a mature adult (most of the time) and I choose not to throw anyone under a bus (although it's tempting) but I am going to take notes (my personal journal is a gold mine) and then when I'm 80 and writing my memoir and most of these lack luster gentlemen are 6ft under... I'll write a tell all.

That quote is now permanently imbedded in my mind. "You should have treated me better." And for those of you saying... well didn't you allow it - I'll give you this - I did and I should have demanded better. I should have stood up for myself. I should have seen the red flags on fire with their neon signs around them that screamed "RUN". I should have... but I didn't. I was naive and gullible. I was still in my healing phase and I should have waited to date until I was completely healed. I should have known the second these men said, "don't blog about me" that their intentions were less than admirable. Why else would you be afraid for me to blog about you. If your intentions are admirable, honest, and of the highest standards then you wouldn't care... because I would only have nice things to say about you. 

These donkey's were the most selfish, egotistical, narcissistic stubborn waste of my time. One of them even had the nerve to tell me he loved me. Really? Because I've never seen, selfish, bare minimum effort or controlling as a definition for the word love. 

One of them tried to tell me what I could like and not like on social media. He said liking my male friends posts was disrespectful to him. Insecure much? Jealous? Controlling? Ugh... my picker was definitely broken. That's what happens though - When you've been hurt so deeply by someone you trusted with your entire being... you yourself start to feel insecure and then you make poor choices... lots of them.

So why this post? Why now? 

Because I was triggered by that quote and I thought about all of the women and men that are out there right now settling for the bare minimum or that are being mistreated when they deserve so much more. I pray that even though I'm not sharing the whole story at this time, I can still encourage you and let you know, you are not alone. You deserve all the good things... all of them!

While I was wandering in the wilderness trying to find my way back to the straight and narrow God was with me. He protected me from what could have been so much worse. I'm thankful for good friends that reminded me of my worth on the daily even when I could not see it for myself. And my mother... my sweet precious mother... Who could absolutely write her own book based solely off of the countless secrets she's been privy to over our morning coffee. She is the definition of a Saint. 

Yet, even with this amazing team around me there have been times I have felt so alone. And maybe that's you. Maybe you don't have a good circle, family or anyone guiding you away from the one that is mistreating you and that is why you feel like you have no choice but to stay. You are wrong! God is with you. He loves you and He wants the best for you. I can't tell you how or when or exactly what you need to do... because you aren't me and I'm not you... but I can tell you to pray. It's a great place to start.

I can also tell you this - You are a human being. Your feelings are valid. You deserve to be valued, respected, cared for, encouraged and loved in a way that makes you feel loved. You deserve kindness and words of praise. You deserve to be with someone that sees the best in you and encourages that side of you and doesn't try to tear you down because they are threatened or insecure. You deserve a teammate that wants to share life with you and is willing to compromise when necessary and isn't selfish and who demands their way all of the time. You deserve to be with someone that doesn't point out your flaws and make you feel bad about yourself. You deserve a partner not an opponent.  

God has always been there for me. He has never left, He has always loved me and He's been more patient than I could have ever thought possible. As I've healed and let God back into the places that I had pushed Him away from, I see the truth in His word shining through like a beacon. 1 Peter 4:8 says this: Above all, maintain constant love for one another, since love covers a multitude of sins. Because of His love for me and His forgiveness of my sins, I can forgive those that have wronged me and not grow bitter or resentful. I have also been able to use the wisdom I've gained from these experiences while moving forward with my life. 

So, maybe you aren't a writer and the person you are dating isn't asking you not to write about them... but maybe they are waving other red flags. First off, don't go to social media. The relationship memes are the worst. Go to a counselor, someone certified and trained to help you heal from whatever trauma has you in a place where you are questioning yourself and your choices. Next, understand that your feelings are valid and if you feel disrespected in any way then you are absolutely entitled to feel the way you feel. If your person is trying to tell you that your feelings are not valid and that you shouldn't feel that way then you either have a major communication issue or your person is a jerk. This is where counseling comes in handy. They can help you differentiate what is really going on. Lastly, don't date until you are healed. I've seen it over and over again. I did it, my friends did it, you are probably doing it. It's hard, I know. Being alone isn't fun. However, being alone is better than being  mistreated by someone that doesn't respect you or take your feelings seriously. 

Actions speak louder than words. Don't listen to them, watch them. Saying I respect you and showing they respect you with their actions are 2 completely different things. Webster defines a hypocrite as this: someone who advocates behaviors they do not practice. If they don't practice what they preach... you know what to do. Leave. And at the same time... words can hurt... If you hear these phrases on a regular basis you should question whether or not you are in a healthy relationship:

 

1. You're overreacting.
2. You're being dramatic.
3. You provoked me.
4. You're crazy.
5. You are imagining things.
6. You're too sensitive.
7. You did this to yourself.
8. Why can't you just let it go?
9. You're just jealous and insecure.
10. You need to toughen up.

As I wrap up the dating chronicles... maybe... maybe not... so many stories to tell... Haha! I would like to add this one last thing. If you have never read, Men Are from Mars and Women Are from Venus by John Gray, read it. If you have read it in the past, read it again. Men and women really do communicate like we are from different planets. Maybe that'll be my next blog...lol

I pray your take away from reading this today is that you know how valuable you are. You deserve someone that wants to give you the moon and the stars. You deserve respect, honesty and someone that checks in with you just because they love you. You deserve to be treated how you want to be treated. You are a precious child of God and He wants the absolute best for you. Don't settle.

Remember, if they want you to speak highly of them, then they need to treat you with the highest respect. You don't have to lie for anyone. The bible says in the book of John, (paraphrased) hold to the truth and the truth will set you free.

Prayers and Blessings til next time