Would I Change It?

It's been 4 years and 11 months since my now ex-husband walked out on our 20 year marriage. If you have followed this blog since before that then you know how unexpected it was. If you started following this blog during my Dating Chronicles Series you may be thinking, girl - get over it, it was almost 5 years ago. Here is the thing... I have moved on and at the same time the ripples in the pond are still rippling.

I am engaged, I am writing new chapters to my story and I am finding my way back to the straight and narrow path I abandoned when my world fell apart 5 years ago. I have been on quite the detour these last several years. It feels like every time I overcome some post divorce battle another one appears out of nowhere. Healing is a process and I believe how quickly we heal strongly comes from decisions we make during the process.

There are days that life feels really unfair. There were decisions made for me that I was too weak and depressed to fight.  Then there were decisions that I made based on my feelings, instead of based on my knowledge, that I am reaping the consequences from. I ignored the wisdom from those around me that were trying to encourage me and help me and I continued down the path that lead me astray.

I won't waste precious time recapping all of the ignorant decisions I made. Facts are, it's in the past and I can only learn from them. And - one of the things I have learned is that I definitely would have done things differently. Would I change it? Yes, yes I would. Not because of him but because of the path that those decisions lead me down. The last several years have been mostly hell on earth. This may come as a shock to those of you that follow my social media and this blog. My posts are mostly cheerful, uplifting and encouraging. That has always been my calling... to encourage others. However losing my other half left me feeling completely empty on the inside. I know... I know... it was in those moments I should have been filling up on God - but truth be known, I was more angry with God than my ex. 

I blamed God for everything. I still believed in Him. I still had faith in Him and I still loved Him - I was just super angry with Him. Have you ever been angry with someone you love? It was like that... I loved Him but I wanted to smack Him. And I'm sure you can relate to being angry with someone, still loving them and yet for the time being you don't want anything to do with them. Their presence is a reminder of how much they hurt you. I know it sounds crazy... God is our source of love, healing, joy, peace... but during this season, He wasn't... or at least that is what I felt.

It always blew my mind how I never got bitter or angry with my ex but I was filled with anger towards God. I remember driving to work one morning and while I was praying, I had a coming to Jesus moment. It was in this moment where I first realized that I was angry with God. I gave Him the what for, all the way to work...lol... and then I asked Him... Why? Why you God, and not him? He immediately responded to my heart, Your ex couldn't handle your anger... but I'm God and I can. It was mind blowing. And you would think that in that moment I would have repented and that I would have ceased my destructive behavior but I didn't. I used it as a pass to keep doing what I was doing, telling myself, God was a big God and He still loved me and it would all be okay. 

Here is the raw truth of it. He is a big God. He does still love me and it is okay. But I want more than okay. I am healthy. I am alive. My kids are healthy and beautiful people inside and out... but we could all be so much better if I hadn't wasted so much time being dumb. I mean utterly wasted, precious years with my Savior. During moments when I could have been soaking up His presence and growing stronger through His love and kindness I was wandering in the wilderness. If I had done things differently I would be more than okay. I would be thriving instead of hanging on by a thread. 

I know what you are going to say. Moses wandered the wilderness for 40 years, be grateful it didn't take that long. Or my favorite (total sarcasm), everything happens for a reason... blah... blah... blah! I know - I preached it! And - here is the truth. I do believe the Word when it says in Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. - and - Genesis 50:20 As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today. You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.

So, here I am, in this position, to tell you. Don't be stupid! Cling to Jesus with every breath, every action, every word, every thought... Every ounce of energy you have... use it to draw close to God!

Don't kick and scream when people of God, with more wisdom than you try to help. It is your flesh fighting against it. Take a moment, breathe, sit in the uncomfortableness for a moment and let God in. It only feels yucky for a second. The yuck passes, and when it does, the peace of God will sweep over you like never before. 

This is what I would go back in time and change. I would change every decision that didn't involve God. I would change every single thing that did not put God first in my life. I'll scream it from the mountain tops!!! Don't make any decisions in your life that don't line up with the Word of God. I promise you it will only cause you further hurt and heartache down the road. 

This year, I decided that my New Year's Resolution would be to start off every morning with reading my devotional and writing in my journal. I used to write in my journal every day. I missed it. I missed starting my day off with God. So I decided it was time to do something about it. The devil of course is as mad as the fire he burns in. He has tried multiple times to keep me from getting back on the straight and narrow - but God!!! Oh But God! He is protecting me... my heart... my mind! These last couple of weeks have been absolutely amazing. I have had more peace than I have had in years. I finally feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel free, lighter, more in tune with life and the hope of what it will bring in the future. God's presence is bringing me love, joy and peace. I can listen to my worship music again and feel connected and not like a foreigner in another land.

I have also included fasting with my prayer and journaling. The bible says in Matthew 17:14-21, some things only come about by prayer and fasting. (paraphrased) I knew I needed to fast. 

I will say that not all is lost. I have definitely learned a lot about the world these last several years. It is ugly and it is full of hurt people who like to hurt people. I will take this as some of the good that God is going to use in my ministry moving forward. I can also say that where I used to say bless their heart and let's pray for them... has changed to, it's time to slay some giants! 

I'm done wasting time. 

Let me leave you with this encouragement as I always try to do (this will not change) - Don't Give Up! For the love of yourself, your loved ones, God's calling on your life... swallow your pride, humble yourself, get over the hurt and don't let the enemy steal one more second of your joy! We have giants to slay!

Thank you for hanging in here with me!

Blessings and Prayers, 

Amy