Coming Out of the Dark

Inhale... exhale.... inhale.... exhale - This is the current theme of my life. I'm taking it day by day and breath by breath. It's been long enough since my divorce, that I probably shouldn't reference it anymore... however there is not a set time on trauma recovery.

I have healed (mostly), my ex and I are in a good place, my kids are doing amazing and I'm moving forward with my life. The most difficult thing that I face now - is myself. When I look in the mirror, I see the demons that I've allowed to speak to me for the last almost 4 years, and they are ugly. They say ugly things, try to get me to do ugly things - and - full transparency, some days they win. Throughout this long unexpected journey, I'd like to say, I did not lose my faith but I did take a path that went completely opposite of the one God had laid out so perfectly for me.

As my story continues I am finding that the winding roads of what has felt like a never ending detour are leading me back to a very familiar place. Ever so gently and always at the perfect time God has strategically placed His children in my path, to either encourage me or have me encourage them. Recently, I've noticed these encounters are happening way more often.

I know... I know... let me tell you... I know... I have known, I knew it would always come back to this. I would find myself at another crossroad and I would have to choose. Choose to do what I know I'm supposed to do... or walk away. Believe it or not... it's easier to walk away. I've worked in full time ministry and when the bible tells you to count the cost - it is a full on warning that what you are about to do has a very high price tag.

Why 4 years? Why didn't I just stay planted firmly where I was and continue doing what I was doing? The answer is simply this: I had a lot to learn. The only way I could truly understand the scriptures that I would teach, would be to live them. You can't fully experience the mercy and grace of God unless you are in a situation in life where you need the mercy and grace of God.

Grace is getting what you don't deserve and mercy is not getting what you do deserve. And when I look at my rebellious behavior I am definitely living on the latter. God has a way of reaching our hearts... even when we think we've let them grow cold. As tears pour down my face, I lift my hands to praise Him, while I wasn't giving up on life; He wasn't giving up on me. (Insert snot bawling sobs)

I also had to learn something about free will. And this is what I learned... no matter what, no matter how evil, no matter how other's actions will affect us - God does not hinder people's free will. Ours included. I wish I had learned this sooner, you would think with all of my time in ministry I would have... but alas... I am just now discovering "free will" is real. My ex had the freedom to choose and he chose to leave. Since the day he left, I had choices to make too... and some of them were good and some of them not so good. So with that lesson in my back pocket and my bible back in my hands where it belongs, I am constantly asking myself, where do I go from here?

For so long I blamed my disobedience on the divorce. I know God got tired of hearing me say... well if I wasn't divorced, if he hadn't of left, if I wasn't single for so long... You know what I'm talking about, right? The excuse game. Instead of owning your part in the path you are on, you blame everyone and everything else until you become so alone or so miserable that the only thing left is to look in the mirror and say, "I did this to me." I chose to hang out with those people, I chose this job, I chose to say that hurtful thing, I chose to let them take advantage of me. I chose myself to right here where I am and now I have to choose myself out of here. But how?

Like an annoyed teenager, after you've reminded them for the hundredth time of a task to do, I've been dragging my feet and rolling my eyes. I've made a million excuses to God as to why I just can't get back into ministry. I still need to get this part of my life straight, I need to give this up, I need to pick that up... I... I... I... - Sound familiar?

In my mind I know "all" the scriptures, I know all the reasons why I should, how I can... yada yada yada... For goodness sake, I was the one cheering the backsliders on when they came back to church for the first time after a backslidden stint... I preached it, I lived it, I prayed, layed hands, poured the anointing oil... so why for the love of all the chocolate can't I just do it? I don't know.

So this is my baby step. Blogging about my life. If it helps one other person, it's worth it. I just want you to know you are not alone and I guess I need to know... I am not alone either. Cause... I know and you know... some days it sure does feel like it.

I ask for your prayers. I know in my mind, that God has a plan, I know He loves me, I know the people around me love me, I know who supports me and who will be there for me as I start heading back towards the calling God has on my life. But sometimes the head knowledge and the heart knowledge don't see eye to eye... however, we (God and I) are working on that too. The good news is - I haven't given up. Today I'm in a familiar place. I'm in my bed, sipping coffee, my laptop is on my lap and I'm writing this blog...lol and it feels great!

If you have a prayer request, email it to AmySamuelMinistries@gmail.com and I will pray for you!