How Loud Can I Scream

Have you ever felt so frustrated with life that you just want to scream as loud as you can to the top of your lungs and then punch something as hard as you can - Yes, you have - because you are human. If you are currently there, then let's make a club. You know one of those funny named clubs we used to make in middle school that only a few people knew about. My 8th grade friends group made one and named it Family. We labeled everyone in the group as mom, dad, brother, sister, aunt, uncle and so on. It was ridiculous... but really we just wanted to make our crush the "dad" and us the "mom". If the boy didn't mind being the dad to the mom then we knew his crush was mutual. How silly! I'm giggling to myself now while thinking about how immature teens are and how communication hasn't changed much over the years. Instead of simply saying, "I like you", we try to do little things or drop little hints to figure out where we stand in our relationships. Why does communication have to be so difficult?

I know it seems like I took a detour but let me bring it back around. I'm currently frustrated with almost all of the relationships in my life. Let me be more clear - I'm frustrated with the communication or lack there of, in the current relationships in my life. I'm at the point where I'm about to lose my carefully placed filter and forget the scripture that says, "Let the words of my mouth and meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer." (Psalm 19:14) I am finding myself in a place where I can't say what I want to say when I want to say it for fear of hurting someone else's feelings. I also feel like I can't do what I want to do because it is going to offend people I care about. Aaaaaaaaaand - their lack of communication with me! We'll save this one for another time. 

Why do I care so much what other people think? Because I love my people and I know what it feels like to hurt and be hurt by someone else's words or actions and if I can prevent that from happening to those I care so much about then that is what I do - I bite my tongue - but in the meantime I'm hurting someone else that I should be caring equally for - myself. I realize that by not being open and honest when I need to be, I'm allowing resentment and frustration to build in my heart and this is not healthy.

On top of not wanting to hurt people's feelings, I equally dislike, confrontation and conflict. It seems like whenever I muster up the courage to speak my mind - the result that my heart longs for is met with an abrupt stop. The conversation takes an unexpected turn and once again I am left feeling not heard, misunderstood, defeated and sad. Let me reiterate that this is not a result of not getting my way... I am open to the tennis match of conversation and I actually enjoy hearing different opinions and perspectives on things, but I do not enjoy feeling belittled, made fun of, put down and not being heard. I think for most women, we just want to "feel" heard and understood. 

Just in the last month I have dodged multiple conversations with my friends, my co-workers, my family, my children and my boyfriend - and I have avoided blogging because all of the things I have to blog about will stir up conflict in those relationships closest to me. 

I have always blogged with a heart to share what I'm going through in my life and how God has helped me through it. I have openly shared my deepest hurt and devastation in hopes of encouraging You. I want to remind you that you are not alone, that with God all things are possible and that You should never ever give up.

I'm sure some of you can relate to what I'm feeling right now. I know I'm not alone in not being able to openly share the depths of where this blog is coming from. I feel like I'm yelling from the inside of a jar with the lid screwed on tightly and you can see my desperation but you can't hear my words. I want to take the top off and fully vent the raw and unfiltered truth of everything going on my life. I'm a writer. It is my greatest tool for communication. I know I can still write it and not share it... but it isn't the same. I love the connections that sharing my writing brings to me, I love the feedback you give, I love the testimonies that you share. Right now I feel like a caged bird and my song is limited to the cell bars of my fear. 

But - until I find some courage or a way to share without caring what backlash I get - this is all I have to offer - I'm not giving up. I'm praying over every one of these situations in my life. I'm praying for God's strength, peace, wisdom, mercy and grace as I navigate through another stormy season of life. 

In the meantime I'm meditating on this scripture:

Matthew 16:24-27

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what they have done.