Dating Chronicles: What Women Need

Ladies do you ever find yourself having a bad day and no matter what you try it just won't turn around? And I'm not talking about a bad hair day... I'm talking about from the time you wake up til the time you go to bed, if it could go wrong, it went wrong, bad day. 

Bad days are part of life. We have good days and bad days and meh days and extraordinary days and everything in between days. We seem to handle the good days well and most of the bad days pretty well but then there are those days that just knock the wind out of you. 

I won't bore you with my overly dramatic details of bad days... you can fill in the blank with your own worst day. Let's skip to the part where I commiserate with you... and send you some virtual ((hugs)) And even though the trigger of our horrendous day may not be the same, we do have this one thing in common, we just want to feel better!  Rocket Science... I know... but seriously for men - it is. 

I used to make it so easy for my ex. I used to tell him exactly what I needed him to do to help me feel better. I was tired of having these emotional breakdowns and having him stand there and look at me like I had horns growing out of my head, like what do I do with this? It made me feel disconnected from him and him probably frustrated with himself for not knowing what I needed or what I wanted from him in those moments.

I'm not ashamed of admitting that I have mood swings or feelings or sensitive emotions or the fact that I can handle certain stresses better than others. And just because I cry easily doesn't mean I'm depressed, weak or crazy... it means I'm human with all of the feels God created me to have and feel. 

One day I heard a sermon preached on the topic of men and women communicating their needs and wants. During the message it was said, "just tell them (the men) what you need".  It was like a light bulb went off... but just for a moment - all women will get this... "why do we have to tell them what we need?". Why can't they just figure it out? A bigger conundrum than what came first, the chicken or the egg... haha! Straight talk ladies - men are wired different. The greatest relationship book I have ever read is "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." I recommend every human in a relationship read this book! It explains how we are wired different and why talking to our man isn't the same as talking to our "girl"friend.

Anyway, I took this preachers advice. I started to communicate what I needed when I needed it. If I needed a hug, I said, "I need a hug"... if I needed advice I'd ask for it and if I was just venting, I'd make sure he knew I just needed to vent. If I needed a hot bubble bath, a glass of wine and a foot rub... well I hired someone - Just kidding! LOL... that part depended on what kind of day he had. This approach really helped with our communication however, if you follow this blog, then you know, I'm divorced...lol... so this tactic isn't a save your marriage thing, but it does help with communication. 

I'm probably an over communicator. I'm definitely an overthinker. But one thing I know - is this... women need to feel like they are being heard and that they are a priority to their significant other.

Men - hear me - not all women are manipulative, not all women want to control you, not all women are out to get you... some of us just want to be loved in our own love language. Some of us are better at communicating this - but the intent is the same. Nothing is more frustrating to a woman (an emotional based creature) than standing before her man wanting to feel loved and having him (a logical based creature) stare back at her like she's an alien. 

I get it, men - you are fixers... and yes we want you to fix it... but not always the way you want to fix it. Sometimes, most of the time, we want you to fix it in our own love language. Why? Because we are having a moment... and we need you need meet us where we are - EMOTIONALLY. So, when we ask for a hug... it might not pay that outstanding bill that has us standing in the middle of the kitchen crying - but it will make us feel so much better that when we snap out of it - we can hear you tell us your step by step guide as to how to pay this bill off. (Your are laughing because you know it's true.)

Or when you know we've had a bad day (because we have vented to you that we've had a bad day) we don't want your advice on how to have a better day or hear about how your day was bad too (tell us later... let us have this moment) - Instead - just listen, maybe run us a hot bath with a glass of wine, bring home some flowers, give us a neck massage, fix dinner or stop and get take out - for the love of Pete... do something on an emotional level. I promise you, the rewards you will reap will outweigh the inconvenience of you having to tap into your emotional side for a minute. And men, when she isn't telling you what she needs, ask her. 

Let me tell you about a man that has a head start on this. He is the boyfriend of one of my good friends. He keeps her favorite ice cream in the freezer. When she is having a rough day, he asks, would you like to come over and eat some butter pecan and tell me all about it, or would you like me to bring it to you? Genius! Haha! Let me break this down for you. 

1. He is making her a priority by keeping her favorite ice cream in the freezer. 

2. He is acknowledging that she needs a fix but he isn't telling her how to fix it. 

3. He is giving her options within her realm of discernment in the moment. If we are already overwhelmed we don't need more things thrown at us that will overwhelm us further.

Boom - boom - and done! It is said that women are so complicated. We really aren't. We just operate more in our emotions than men do. I believe we make a great team when we come together and balance each other out. Because Ladies, let's face it... sometimes we don't need to buy those shoes or eat that chocolate based on how we feel...lol... but sometimes we do... We can definitely benefit from being a little more logical at times... but men... when we just can't and sometimes believe me, we just can't be logical- please meet us in our emotions. We will love you hard for it.