Dating Chronicles: Turn Ons

Blogging is not for the faint of heart. I must admit, when my blog started to incorporate my divorce/dating journey, the feedback from others increased tremendously. This has definitely helped me grow some thick skin. The feedback (sometimes good... sometimes not so good) that has come from sharing my personal stories, opinions and experiences has definitely helped me see that not everyone sees things the way that I do in the dating world...lol... It appears I have struck a lot of nerves, in a lot of people, and those people don't mind letting me know. I try to take it in stride and keep pushing forward and believe me, coming from someone that avoids conflict at all costs, this isn't always easy... So to those of you that read and comment with encouragement... I sincerely thank you! You are the reason, you and God...lol... that I keep writing. 

So with a full cup of coffee, a prayer and some deep breaths... I venture on to follow up (as promised) with a blog titled "Turn Ons". This of course comes after my post, "Turn Offs"... which no doubt caused some tempers to flare. My conclusion is this - the men that got upset, were the ones doing the turn off behaviors and instead of recognizing them and doing something about it... the immature go to response was, as always, "you are just too picky". Maybe - but me and every other women on the planet can be as picky as we want to be and we will endure the consequences of that pickiness... so move on nose picker.... ain't nobody got time for that.

Just like my post "turn offs", these "turn ons" come from a collaborative census from several of my single/currently dating lady friends. And do not mistake the term 'turn on' as something sexual... it is not always this... it can be... or it can be something we find very attractive in a potential partner. It is simply a phrase coined to mean, what we like and what will probably score a second or third date. 

In no particular order here is what the ladies find attractive:

Witty banter - we love a playful (not hurtful) tit for tat conversation gently teasing and flirting with one another. 

Confidence - not cockiness (that screams insecurities) but a man that knows who he is and what he brings to the table without having to tell you is extremely attractive. 

Good sense of humor - making us laugh is huge! I know I personally love being able to laugh with my partner. 

Good hygiene - smelling good, cut fingernails and toe nails, clean clothes... when you take time out to take care of yourself it shows us that you are not lazy and that self-care is important. Self-care has also been linked to better quality relationships according to an article in Everyday Health.

Good manners - saying please, thank you, yes instead of yeah, excuse me instead of what, asking others questions about themselves instead of always talking about yourself, smiling and making eye contact, apologizing when you are wrong and more... good manners go a long way and again show maturity. Women want to date men, not man child's.  

Kindness - being generous and considerate and treating others the way you want to be treated despite how they treat you shows great maturity and a good heart - major turn on! 

Chivalry - this sums up being kind and having good manners but also takes it to a different level in that you also have honor and courage. For those of us girly girls, we like a man to open the door, place his hand on the small of our back as he ushers us into a room, hold our hand when walking across the street, being protective without being arrogant or rude. Chivalry is an art and when a man masters this... look out - the ladies get a little weak in the knees...lol

Being tuned in - being able to read our body language and meet our needs without us asking is a big turn on. Knowing we're cold and offering your coat, seeing we feel nervous and taking our hand, knowing we've had a rough day and just need a hug. Paying attention to a different hairstyle, hair color, a new outfit or we just got our nails done goes a long way. When we feel that you are dialed in on us and are not distracted by other things we will instinctively feel closer to you.

Optimism -  No one likes a glass half empty mindset. We enjoy being surrounded by optimism. This is not an expectation on the daily... we understand we all have good and bad days... but when your good days outnumber your bad days because you choose to see the light through the darkness, ladies take notice and are drawn to it.

Complimentary - I wrote a blog a while ago, "More than a pretty face" and this still stands true... however, we ladies like to be complimented. When you compliment us it lights a little spark inside. We want to look nice, smell nice and be nice for our partner and when that is recognized it makes us want to try harder. If you never compliment us we'll get bored with you and move on. 

Honesty - We hate liars! Trust is the #1 most important thing in a relationship and if that is broken it is close to impossible to regain... A man that can be honest with himself as well as his partner makes a woman feel safe. When we feel safe we feel like we can open up to you and let our walls down and that will bring 2 people closer together.

Humility - when a person's actions show who they are without them having to tell you, you see the maturity and confidence come shining through. All of the women I have spoken with agree on this one turn on. Humility is sexy. 

If you've read this far then you should have found a common theme in some of these definitions... maturity. Maturity is a huge turn on. When a man has mental and emotional maturity and he shows that he knows how to conduct himself in different situations without embarrassing you or himself not only do we feel more attracted to him but we are proud to be seen with him by our side. Nothing is worse than being humiliated by the immature actions of someone else. Did you read my blog "The Farter"... ugh... true story and you can imagine how it ended.

At this point the women are thinking... Yes! Yes! Yes! and the men are thinking I know I meet a few of these or I am all of this and still can't get the girl... Why? What is the secret ingredient to this recipe of love that I am missing? Okay fellas... here is the absolute truth - Chemistry! If there isn't any chemistry of any kind, then you can check all of these boxes but she still won't be into you. So our advice to you is - stop pursuing her as a partner and accept the friendship - put your effort into someone that matches your chemistry for them. 

I've had several people tell me that chemistry can grow. I was an unbeliever in this for a while but over time I have learned there is a bit of truth in this. However, for me, I can't speak for all the ladies out there; I know there needs to be a certain level of chemistry from the get go. If you have that and your date checks a few of the boxes from above - then I'd guess to say... you may have found yourself someone worth spending some time with.

Final disclaimer: This is a collaborative effort from a few ladies... this is based on our own life experiences... I'm sure you are fully aware, not all women are the same or have the same turn ons and qualities they find attractive. When in doubt... ask her or him. And if what they find attractive isn't your personality and you don't feel the need to modify any behaviors to become more attractive to them... move on. No one is right or wrong in this scenario. It is a situation of being compatible. And not being compatible is completely okay.

Good luck in finding your person! 

Contributors: Renee Sintek, Kelly Jacobson, Amy Samuel and Jenny Reforzo