Dating Chronicles: Turn Offs

Have you ever been on a date and wondered, what am I doing with my life? You sit there and stare across the table at this person that seemed like a somewhat normal human being through your first few texts/calls - even while you progressed to the "let's meet in person stage" you didn't sense any red flags - and now - here you are - sitting across from them in awe (not in a good way) of this person that you thought you knew... but really didn't know and you definitely didn't have a clue of the bad habits that came with them.

You replay the day in your head. You were excited that you have a date, you finally get to meet this person, in person, that you've been getting to know - you got all dressed up, brushed your teeth one last time before heading out, hopeful the date would end really well... lol... and now you're sitting across the table, bar, mini golf course from someone that clearly missed the course on date etiquette or even just manners. 

Where did this person come from and what had me feeling so lonely I accepted this invitation to waste an hour or more of my life? And furthermore - how did I miss it - through all the texts and phone calls - how did I miss the signs? Did he seriously just blow snot out of his nose into the trees? Dear Lord... I hope no one else saw this!

Sadly, these dates are chances singles take from time to time. I mean we obviously don't have too... but if we want to find that person that we hope will end our dating career (yes it can feel like a career) or at the very least become the Mr./Ms. Right Now... (insert sarcastic eye roll) we openly subject ourselves to the risk. I dubbed my single dating life (update on this coming soon) the "Dating Chronicles" and decided to blog about my adventures and my friend's misfortunes as well as a form of some sort of therapy... haha - and also as a way to connect with others in similar seasons of life and last but definitely not least... to bring a laugh or two, to you, my faithful readers. Thank you for indulging me. 

So in my most recent saga I've decided to share some collective thoughts (mine as well as other women I've talked to) on what turns us off. 

Now of course, I understand my turnoffs and my friend's turnoffs, may be different than your turnoffs and turnoffs are not to be mistaken for deal breakers. Aaaaaaaaand - our deal breakers are probably not the same either - but I think you get the gist. 

It's been proven that someone can come back from a turnoff... it's usually a simple mannerism or behavior that can be tweaked... but deal breakers are usually the ones where neither party is willing to negotiate. However, depending on the severity of the turnoff there may not be a comeback from that either and therefore that turnoff became a deal breaker. See how this can be considered a career... or at the very least a part time job?

The list below are real life experiences that people actually did on a date, primarily the first date or beforehand and then in fact did not get a date. They are in no particular order... and thankfully I can't claim them all... LOL

Let's dive into the female psyche for a moment and let you in on what absolutely does not make her tick... but rather ticked off!

-Showing up for a date in a stained, wrinkled or ripped shirt (if you can afford to take me to dinner and this date isn't a fishing trip, then you can buy a new shirt - or take the time to wash one)

-Talking excessively about your ex... Red Flag that you aren't over them or you aren't mature enough to see your fault in what went wrong...

-Holding one nostril closed and shooting snot out of the other side or pulling up your shirt and blowing your nose in it - seriously - I feel some sort of way that I have been exposed to this. (I can't believe I'm even typing this out. This happened with more than one man... smh)

-Farting (did you read the blog, The Farter... ugh... unfortunate true story) 

-Being cocky - confidence is sexy - cockiness is a turn off - there is a big difference - you don't need to tell us how awesome you are - we'll figure it out when you are being your true authentic self

-Lack of communication - it takes 2 seconds to send a text 

-Using the "F" word as an adjective - let's use our brains and say the blue car, or the red shirt, or the tall tree... 

-Bad oral hygiene - brush your teeth, chew gum, suck on a mint... 

-Long fingernails/toenails - this probably falls under the hygiene category as well... but seriously - if you are going to show your toes, cut the nails, keep em clean - long fingernails on a man are not attractive... especially if they have dirt under them... yuck!

-Jealousy... ugh... nothing worse than running into a male friend while on a date and your date gets all who's truck is bigger 

-Unresearched Questions - this one is for those of you who slide into our DMs on social media. If you know enough to know you want to chat... then for goodness sake stalk more than our pics - speaking for myself... and a few of my friends; what we like, what we do for fun and where we work are on on our profiles... Did you read the blog, "More than a Pretty Face"?

-Only willing to text and not talk on the phone - whatcha hiding there son?

-Hatfishing - Women in their 40s are very well aware that our dating bracket is full of men that can no longer grow hair. Don't hide it, embrace it... confidence is sexy. 

-Only talking about yourself and not taking time to ask questions to get to know each other

-Being rude to the waitstaff - this speaks volumes about your true self

-Moving too fast - sure the date is going well... but don't ruin it by asking to vacation together next week - Can we say... Stage 5 Clinger

The responses from my fellow sisters in singleness (update coming soon) have have left me smh - who knew - but to be fair and throw some shade at myself - I reached out to a couple of my former dates that I am still friends with and asked them "Did I do anything to turn you off on our dates?" The consensus was the same across the board... lol

They said, "Amy, you absolutely refuse to let your walls down and let anyone get further than the surface stuff". One guy told me it was frustrating and a bit of a turn off because I am so open on social media but so reserved one on one. They said it made me come across fake. I took a look in the mirror and I agree. I definitely do this. Part of opening yourself up to someone means letting those walls come down. Another blog for another day... But I absolutely understand what it feels like to try to get to know someone and they refuse to let you in. I apologized to former dates and thanked them for their honesty. I'm also grateful they didn't give me a list a mile long... haha

Dating is hard. It doesn't matter what part of the journey you are in... it all takes effort, trust and a long look in the mirror. The most important thing to do when getting to know someone is be authentic. You don't have to share all from the beginning but what you do share make sure it's genuine. Next, pace yourself. Make sure you are communicating, confirm you are on the same page and date with integrity. 

And for goodness sake... use your manners!