Dating Chronicles: I Found My Man

We all want true love - or what our idea of true love is - and for each of us that probably looks a little different. Some of us romanticize in our minds the fairytale life we've grown up watching in movies. Some of us just imagine it as someone to do day to day life with. I think it's safe to say all of us want to be accepted and loved for who we are... flaws, insecurities and all. I think aside from wealth, love is the most sought after thing on earth. 

In my book, Don't Give Up, I write a chapter dedicated to being born with a Jesus size hole in our heart, that only He can fill. I still believe that... however, this current season of life has taught me - what I thought I knew - but now I know I know - we will try everything to fill that hole - before we try Jesus. How does this relate to true love? Keep reading.

My separation, now divorce, left a hole or should I say crater inside of me that I had no clue was even possible. The emptiness that came from that experience was paralyzing and even though I am healing... I recognize it is a process. I am not bitter or angry or depressed... but a new emotion has surfaced... one that I was not familiar with. I'm not even sure if this can be considered an emotion but the new feeling is empty. The hole inside of me that had been created by something that was out of my control left me feeling completely empty.

Healing is a process and just like any other process there is a series of actions that must take place to achieve the desired outcome - wholeness. The first thing I had to do was recognize what I was feeling. That took a little longer than I thought but once I figured it out - I then had to figure out what I needed to do to fill that hole. Again - it's a process. 

When I was in ministry full time, I used to preach "nobody can do you like Jesus"... and I believed it - but I hadn't lived it - fully anyway. I mean I went through some hellacious stuff before my divorce - but this supersedes all of it. This experience has taught me, you don't know what you think you know and what you think you know you need to make sure you know. I felt like I knew nothing.

I worked in the front lines of ministry for over 20 years. I thought I was grounded. I built my foundation on my belief in Christ and I built a life on that foundation. What I didn't realize, was the life that I was building - was not necessarily the life Christ wanted me to build. See the difference? The foundation was stable... but the rest of the house wasn't. I never would have realized this if my divorce hadn't happened. This was a pretty heart wrenching way to learn a lesson but nevertheless the lesson was learned. I needed more of God and less of me. 

I'm an annoying optimist. I absolutely refuse to give up, I always look for the good in everything and I want to learn from my mistakes. In no way shape or form do I think this experience was just about me and me learning a lesson... but I can't control anyone other than myself - so I'm seeking the good that's in it for me - and the lessons that I can learn to better help my future and my future relationships. 

What have I learned so far? I've learned that enormous hole in my heart that left me feeling so empty could only be filled by God. I think in some twisted way, I thought, because Jesus is already in my heart He can't be what's missing - so I need to find the thing that's missing. I went on a scavenger hunt looking to fill the hole. Looking back I actually giggle at myself a little bit. Here I was praying to God asking Him to help me find what was missing when He wasn't missing at all. He was with me the entire time. I just needed to allow Him to spread into every crevice that had been left void when my husband left. Talk about a lightbulb moment!

Having a deep intimate relationship with the Lord is the purest and most true kind of love there is. He loves us as is. We don't have to change, we don't have to "fix" ourselves... His word tells us to come as we are. His love is unconditional and once we accept it - we start to understand our value.  

Sooooooo - over the last several months I have been working on that  relationship. I have been asking God to help me fully accept that kind of love. His love. Let's face it... when we've gone to what feels like the depths of hell and back - we feel depleted, empty, exhausted and honestly - unworthy to be loved unconditionally. I have confessed every transgression, cried a sea of tears, asked a million "why's" and I have finally allowed myself to become completely vulnerable to the idea I will love again and I am loved now. 

Why vulnerable? Because it's scary - and it means I have to completely trust God with everything! Letting go and letting God is a faith process that leaves you feeling exposed and raw and vulnerable until you totally get the truth that He wants the best for you and that He really does love you unconditionally. When that match is lit... it ignites a spark inside of you that in turn starts a fire that spreads so vastly it fills every empty space that was ever there. And it is freaking AMAZING!

This annoyingly optimistic, hopeless romantic, southern to the core Christian woman has found true love. Through seeking, prayer, reading my bible and confession, I have found the only thing that can fill me completely. Jesus. Scriptures that I preached a thousand times came to life in new ways through this new season and they have taken on new meanings. They speak to me louder than any sermon I have ever heard. 

There are so many of them that I could write pages and pages sharing with you about what they have done for me... but I believe when you seek for yourself that is when they fully reveal themselves to you. So here are just a couple that I pray will encourage you the way they have encouraged me. 

Jeremiah 31:3 "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness."

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

1 Samuel 16:7 "...The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

Isaiah 54:10 Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you.

I have found the love of my life, Jesus. And because of that love, I know what to look for in the next person that I will share my life with. I read a passage once that said... I want to be so hidden in God that my future spouse will have to seek Him just to find me. This... this is what I'm waiting for.