Dating Chronicles: The Fart

Jiminy Cricket! Thank you everyone for your overwhelming support of my last post! If I had known my new single status and sharing hilarious to pathetic pick up lines would bring so much laughter to your day… I would have started blogging about these experiences much sooner. Haha! And with that being said let me not delay in your daily dose of humor - here goes an experience that I will not soon forget.

It was a much needed getaway planned at the beach. I had been under an extreme amount of stress at home and at work and all I could think about was getting away for a weekend. I wanted to relax and unwind and let the ocean wash all of the stress away (it's my happy place)… at least for a day or 2. Meeting someone was not on my agenda, but when this seriously handsome tall drink of water walked up and started chatting me up... I have to admit - the stress melted away, momentarily that is. 

He was handsome, had a 6 pack that could do my laundry anytime and a smile that would melt your… well let’s just say he had a great smile. After the formalities were done (he was on vacation playing golf with some friends ) he asked me to go for a walk on the beach with him. I accepted.

We laughed, joked around, flirted… I thought to myself wow this guy is checking off the list pretty quickly. Yes, I have a list... haha. Our conversation was effortless - then out of nowhere - he farted. You read that right! I didn't mistype - I said what I said - he farted! He did not say excuse me or even acknowledge what happened. I'm standing there speechless, something that doesn't happen to me often, and completely dumbfounded as to what had just happened. So I took a moment and thought to myself, okay maybe it was an accident and he couldn’t help it. I mean we’ve all been there, right? The one that slipped out and you prayed to God that no one heard it - or worse - smelled it. So, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and quickly jumped back into our conversation. However, no matter how hard I tried,  I could not get that fart off my mind. 

I tried… oh how I tried. I looked at that 6 pack and thought… everyone has gas sometimes… everyone… don’t judge him Amy… don’t judge him! You've got laundry to do! Several minutes went by and I had just about forgotten about the whole ordeal... okay not really... but that 6 pack was definitely helping - oh and he was smart... LOL... really smart  - but then BOOM - he farted again. I thought to myself either this man suffers from flatulence, is really nervous or really could care less what others think - which can be a good or a bad thing. In this case - I go with the latter.

After a few more minutes go by, I'm done - I can't... I just can't. I think to myself we have to turn around and walk back and I’m not sure how many more bombs this guy is going to drop or if he’ll end up crapping his pants. Then - Boom - he did it again! I wasn’t sure if this one did actually hit the pants or not so I had to ask to him. I mean, I am usually really good at letting things go, but  this time I had to say something. I had too… I tried… believe me I tried - but this new found freedom of mine has also brought the need to not let everything go and to practice being more assertive. So I asserted myself and I asked him, “Are you okay?” He looked at me with a puzzled look on his face and said, “yeah, why?” I responded, “Well, you’ve farted 3 times while we’ve been on this walk, and I wondered if ya might need to go to the bathroom.” He replied, “Nah, I’m good thanks, had tacos for lunch, better out than in.” No… no… no… not better out than in. You hold that bad boy in so tight that your butt feels like you’ve done 100 squats and jogged up a hundred flights of stairs. Hold it in! For the love of all things holy - hold it in!

Men, and maybe some women, I never thought I would need to say this - but here we go - in case you didn't know - this is not an acceptable first encounter behavior. I don't care how much you have going for you... Do Not Fart on your first date, walk on the beach, phone conversation, first whatever! Just don't.

I am not against breaking wind in front of your significant other… for real… but a first date, first encounter, first impression - his 6 pack quickly dissolved like the salt in the ocean. His smile became less bright and I immediately lost interest. I declined his offer for dinner that night and as I sat down in my beach chair, stared at the ocean, and cringed one more time - I thought to myself… what just happened? Did this really just happen? What in the world?

Now don’t go judging me for being judgy. I think farts are funny… especially when it’s my 1 year old nephew. His are adorbs! In fact my family has the most distasteful potty humor - down to owning a fart machine. I have 2 sons... what'd you expect? But - that is a joke - and the machine produces fake farts…. not real ones! Ugh! This was real gas, coming out of a real human on what could be considered a real first date! Yuck!

Save your backlash and prude comments. I know my worth. I know my standards. I am compassionate - if the tacos were making him sick - if it had been an accident and he had been embarrassed… I would have reconsidered my stance - maybe. But that wasn’t the case. Case closed. Next.

But please - share with me and other readers your thoughts on this matter. First date farts, yes or no - or even better - if you have your own story, I’d love to hear it!