I'll Never Be Her Again

 I’m sure I don’t even have to ask...I already know the answer - you’ve been there. A life changing event that left you paralyzed for the moment… maybe longer and once recovered you were completely and totally changed forever! That’s my current status. Changed forever.

It’s been over a year now since my separation and my divorce papers should be in the mail as I write this… on their way to me - legally obsolving my 20 year marriage. A lifetime. A season of raising 3 amazing children, taking family vacations, laughing, crying and doing life together. Now, I’m doing life - single. Single mom, single woman and just plain single. 

The separation didn’t only affect my family life - but my career, my social life, the ministry we built, plans for the future...every single aspect of my life has been changed in some way or the other. 

However, I’m not picking up the pieces and trying to put it back together. Rather I’m leaving them there and using them as building blocks for a new future. My foundation has always been on God and that part will never change...however - we (me and God) are building a new house on top of that foundation.

Recently someone said to me, “I can’t wait to see that old Amy come shining through”. Well - dear friend - you will be waiting a very long time, because that Amy is gone and she’s not coming back. I don’t say this with bitterness - rather knowledge - knowledge that tells me you can’t go back and be the person you were once you’ve gone through something traumatic. You are permanently changed. But - you can be a better version of yourself… or in some sad cases… you become the absolute worst version of yourself. I choose to become better.

An in depth conversation with someone who went through a very similar experience told me...you will never be her again… you can’t, but you can become a better version of her. Just give it to God and watch Him work. Always easier said than done but totally worth the effort. My victory comes from trying. Each day I wake up, make a choice to get out of bed and do whatever it is I have to do to get through the day the best way I can. Every day is different and offers new challenges - I don’t always overcome them, but I feel as long as I’m pushing through and not giving up - then I’m winning. Some days this includes taking a shower and eating...some days I rock it and get everything on my list done. The one absolute constant is that my faith remains in God. That faith looks a lot different than it did a year ago...2 years ago...10 years ago - but I still have it. Faith that better days are ahead, faith that God loves me unconditionally, faith that all things will work together for the good, faith that heaven is real, faith that can move mountains - even if that mountain is a load of laundry...haha!

The bible says that faith is the substance of things hoped for and not yet seen. Hebrews 11:1

 

The lessons I have learned about myself over the past year are countless. My healing is a daily process and I will not apologize for it. It takes time and even though stubborn isn’t the best quality it has its place. I like to think of it like the tree planted firmly by the water...it shall not be moved. 

Jeremiah 17:8 They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit.

I won’t be shaken, I won’t stop producing fruit, I won’t give up, I won’t give in and I won’t let the opinions of others tell me what I should or shouldn’t do.  

As always I share my heart in hopes of encouraging others through the difficulties that life throws at us. Our journeys are not the same. We each have our own cross to bear...but we can certainly help to lighten a friends load. 

Don’t be ashamed of your story - keep pushing through, find the light, find the funny, keep the faith and don’t feel bad if you know you will never be the same again - choose to be better.

Matthew 19:26  But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Forever Changed