2020 - Separation, COVID and New Beginnings

What the French Toast Batman??? This morning students had a 2 hour delay in virtual learning because Google was down! Our poor kids… will they ever be able to experience those incredible classroom moments again? The ones like we had? Christmas music playing from the teachers desk as we cut snowflakes out of construction paper, sticky pom poms covered in glue as we made homemade cards for our family members and homemade cookies brought in by the class mom. I highly doubt it. This year Santa Claus will have to ship your presents via UPS because he can’t get closer than 6ft to your house and he’s so fat a mask will surely suffocate him to death. His Christmas music is probably offensive to more than half the world and Rudolph’s red nose will probably be deemed some kind of radioactive side effect from drones circling the North Pole and he will be quarantined as soon as he lands.

I crave simpler times...I’m sure most of us do… and this year in particular. In some ways 2020 has forced us to slow down and really evaluate the important things in life but in other ways it has really brought out the selfish hateful side of people. If convicted the latter could be a real humbling experience… if not - chaos will certainly follow. I’ve always loved post-apocalyptic films but never really thought they could be a reality for my lifetime...until this year.

I’ve seen people come together this year and people fall apart. I’ve seen people choose to get healthier and people die. I’ve seen the true colors shine through of those that I thought had no color at all… and I’ve gone to the depths of the deep dark trenches of my own mind while soul searching my own new reality. What I’ve found has been life changing.

I can’t speak for anyone else… my observations are just that - my observations. However I can speak for myself… something I haven’t done in a while. So - in what will probably be my last blog post of 2020 here is how I’m going out,  what my year has been like and what I’ve learned. As always, it’s hard to share my truths… but I do it anyway… because of others that have blessed me with their truth and how it’s helped me do life. In return I share my own failures and victories - in hopes - I too can help someone on a similar path to my own.

2020 started off great for me. My book was being turned into a movie, my day job was thriving, my husband got a new job that he was really excited about, my kids were all making great grades in school and my family was healthy. Things looked like they were finally falling into place for us. We had definitely been through a rough couple of years and we all felt like we were due a reprieve of some sort. It came - just not in the way we thought it would. But does it ever?

February 3, 2020, my husband of almost 20 years decided he was done with being married. He left. It was just that simple. He made up his mind, I had no say so in the matter and we separated. I could write another book on just this experience alone… but I’m not. The short of it is this - after sobbing for a solid week - I heard the voice of God tell me to get up, wipe off my face and make a choice on how I wanted this experience to impact my life and my kids lives. I chose victory. I absolutely refused to allow bitterness and anger to take root in my heart. Was it a fight? Yes! Was it a fight worth fighting? Absofreakinglutely! But I can honestly say that I have no resentment, no anger, no bitterness and no dislike for the man in my heart. Hurt… yes. But time heals all wounds and my heart is mending nicely. 

How did I manage such a feat? Jesus, my children, an amazing circle of friends, God loving family and hiking! I’ve been depressed - I know where that leads and I fought with every ounce of everything God would pour into me to not go down that road again. And - I didn’t! I am truly healed.

Not long after Tom left, COVID hit. It was a blessing for me. It gave me time to decide what I was going to do. I didn’t feel selfish for not going to work and focusing on my situation. I was forced to stay home and focus on my situation. During this time I did lots and lots of walking. Walking turned into a love for being outside which turned into a love for hiking and camping and through that I was reacquainted with an old love… fishing. I also decided that I was going to continue to move forward with turning my book into a movie. I made many trips to the beautiful state of West Virginia to film and while I was there I wholeheartedly fell in love with the state and the people I met. They became my second family. By the time my job reopened I had lost 40lbs, sold my home, moved in with my parents, filmed most of my movie and had spent more time outside in 6 months than I had in the last several years combined.

During my time outside I did lots of thinking and praying. I prayed, talked to God, asked Him a gazillion questions and made peace with the fact that my life will never look like it did. It will be different and even though I have no clue what kind of different it will be - I know that God does. I know that if I keep trusting in Him… I really can do all things. (Philippians 4:13)

This next part is going to undoubtedly disappoint my religious peeps...but while I’m being transparent… I may as well tell all - well maybe not all - but enough to be raw. While I remained in constant communication with God, my trust in Him (after I got over being mad with Him), my faith in His plan for my future...I took a path that no one… especially me… thought would ever be a part of my story. I hung up my minister’s hat and put on my “Amy” hat… and experienced being myself for the first time in over 15 years. And I found out that I love myself.

Amy definitely did some things that Minister Amy would have never done...but during this season I have learned that God loves me the same. He will never love you more or less than He does right now in this very moment. It doesn’t matter who you are, what you’ve done or what you believe… He loves you! I have learned the true meaning of mercy and grace… and that while it is not okay to blatantly sin...when you do - it isn’t an automatic ticket to hell. Love and forgiveness truly cover a multitude of sins.  I know that God knew this divorce would happen, 2020 would happen, I would travel down a new path, I would sin more in past 10 months than I have in the last 10 years combined and that all of this along with you, your sins, the world’s sins - all of it, were on Jesus’ mind - when He was on the cross. And that my friends… is why He died for us all. (John 3:16)

A surprising scripture has been my guiding light this year. 1 Samuel 16:7 But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 

Those that I held in the highest regard fell this past year when God removed the scales from my eyes and I actually saw their heart verses what they were trying to make others see… and on the flip side - those that have been cast aside by society because they don’t conform to what “we” think is right have been the most beautiful angels during my time of despair. Their hearts have loved me and others beyond anything I could have imagined. When I meditate on it - I can only try to understand the depths of God’s love for His children. Something I know I will never truly grasp. 

Whenever I’m hiking, I take a moment to stop, close my eyes, lift my head towards heaven and feel the warmth on my face - instantly I know that I am in the presence of the Lord and I know He loves me unconditionally. I am addicted to His presence in my life. 

2020 Blessings I'm Taking into 2021 

- My kids are happy, healthy, kind, considerate, loving, compassionate and have grown through the toughness of 2020 in ways I never could have imagined. They literally amaze me every day. They are phenomenal human beings that I have the pleasure of co-parenting, with a father that loves them dearly.

- I am working at a job that I love with a work family that has been there for me in ways that I would never have expected. They are a gift from God.

- I am living with my parents and my sister and her kids and in some crazy way it works for us. It’s like growing up all over again...haha! However, plans to move out next year are in the works...but I know God has me here for this time and season for multiple reasons and I’m okay with it.

- I finished filming my movie and I’m absolutely walking on eggshells waiting for the reviews!!!! I still feel like this is a dream!

- I have taken a step back from ministry in the formal sense. I will continue to blog and eventually get back to posting videos but during the meantime I am enjoying being “Amy” and mom to the 3 most important humans in my life. 

-  I plan to continue pursuing my love for all things outdoors. Several campgrounds are already booked for next year and I can’t wait. 

- I’ve learned material things are a waste of time and can only give you a false sense of happiness. People, relationships and God are what feeds the joy in your life. Why work so hard for something that can be destroyed...I’d rather spend my money and time on experiences with those that I love. 

Lastly, I have hope for our future. I have hope for our world. I have hope that one day peace will rule our hearts and minds and until then all we can do is pray and trust God. I have hope that my kids will continue to thrive and be positive contributing members of society. I have hope that even though our family is no longer traditional we will always be family and Tom and I will be friends. I have hope that I will love again. Until then...I will continue to believe that all things happen for a reason, I will continue to walk in faith and I will never give up!