An Unexpected Journey

Several months ago the world went into crisis mode. I too went into crisis mode but it wasn’t related to COVID 19. It was due to something completely different and something completely unexpected. My heart still isn’t ready to share the details of this event - but I will share this - it was my greatest fear becoming a reality.  

We all have fears. Some of them are so great that the very thought of them leave us feeling paralyzed. Then if we actually encounter them - we do become paralyzed. The day I confronted my greatest fear face to face I became the weakest and yet the strongest I have ever been in my life. It’s amazing to me how the scripture from 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 came alive to me in the weeks/months following this occurrence. 

 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

So several months ago… I gasped, fell to my knees and cried out to God. “Why?” “This can’t be!” “Please take away the pain!” I groaned from the depths of my soul and cried until I was dehydrated. The sobbing, the moaning and the shaking left my body depleted and unable to move. I laid on the floor and just stared at the ceiling. “Is this really happening?”. Have you ever been so afraid of something that you felt like you were dying? Or maybe your fear becoming a reality made you want to die instead of facing it? I felt like my body was shutting down. I didn’t want to die - I just wanted to stop hurting. I’ve been depressed - and as crazy as it sounds - because I know we can’t necessarily help it - but I told myself… “You will not fall back into Depression - You will fight this!” I have a family to think about. There are people that love me and care about me. I will beat this! I didn’t believe it at the time… but I kept speaking it. The bible says our words have power… and they really do.

I spent hours in bed crying, praying and looking for scripture to comfort me. I got nothing! Crazy right??? I’ve been serving God for over 20 years, CEO of my own ministry, published author of “Don’t Give Up” and preaching the goodness of God in all things all over the place… yet here I was finding no comfort from His Word. What was wrong with me? I quickly discovered...I was mad at God. I mean I was full on pissed off that He had allowed this to happen to me. Or had He?

I believe God has a perfect plan. Or - He had a perfect plan - then Adam and Eve screwed it up - or did they? I also love to contemplate the fact that we/you have “free will” - let's also throw in the predestination theory and really boggle our thoughts. Over the years I have encountered so many Theologians, Scholars and World Renowned Ministers - and they all have opinions and thoughts on everything from Genesis to Revelations that I can’t keep up.  Honestly, I was at a point, I didn’t care - I just wanted to smile again. My brain couldn’t handle theology, the who, what, when, where and why. Just make the hurting stop!

Then those that love you and see you hurting give you advice - because they care - but you really just want to punch them! They mean well but ugh...they tell you - don’t question God - He has a plan - it’s good - you’ll get through this. All I could think about was if God loved me - I wouldn’t be going through this. I quickly learned… that isn’t the case. Over and over again I see saints in the bible being chastised, persecuted and rejected because of their love for God. Doesn’t seem like such a good price to pay for giving your life to the Lord, does it? Oh you have those that would argue, Jesus gave His life for us - so we must give our life for Him. Maybe. Then there are those that say His plan is good and you just have to wait and see. Maybe. Then there are those that truly love the suffering. Believe me… I’ve met them. I could go on and on… but I won’t. We are all different. We all have our own unique relationship with God. He works in us the way that He sees best because… well He knows what will work best for us. However the process can be brutal. It bites! It really really bites! Or it did. I can without a doubt tell you now that my friends and family were right...oh as bitter as their words tasted a few months ago… they were right! I am in a much better place today. The pain is but a subtle annoyance at this point and the hope that I have for my future is bright and fully placed in Christ alone. Not a person, place, job, situation or anything else holds my hope. Only Jesus.

I feel just like a toddler - after they finish kicking and screaming and throwing their tantrum in the candy aisle because you said “no” - eventually they get over it. They do. And well… we do too. I got over it. I realized I had choices to make. We do have free will and what we do with it is entirely up to us. God gives us the freedom of choice. Eve chose to eat the forbidden fruit, Peter chose to cut off the man’s ear, Rahab chose to hide Joshua’s 2 spies, Noah chose to build the ark… and so on. I chose to fight against my fear. It was excruciating and the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face up until this point in my life but fighting is so much better than giving up.

How did I face my greatest fear and change my path? By surrendering to the mercy and grace of God. God did it. He did it all. He literally carried me. The scriptures that gave me no comfort eventually gave me comfort. I kept reading my bible even though I didn’t want to… I kept listening to praise and worship even though I didn’t want to… I listened to my friends that I wanted to punch… even though I didn’t want to… God became my strength. I had absolutely nothing to give of myself. I could have surely lay there and wasted away. And as mad as I was at Him - He did not stop loving me and He did not give up on me. He ignited a supernatural fire inside of me to push through and not give up. He gave me hope that I could continue to live an amazing abundant life - regardless of my circumstances. And - the incredible unique thing about God - is- He loves you the same way too… and what He does for one of His children - He will do for ALL of them.

Hope is a very powerful thing - and hope combined with the power of God is a weapon that can extinguish any fiery dart the enemy aims at you… even if that dart penetrates. 

I’m sure as the months continue to go by I will share more of my story. I will continue to praise God. I will continue to testify. I refuse to give up. God made sure of that...I mean when you write and publish a book titled “Don’t Give Up”... God will use it as a constant reminder - that you can’t give up… Haha!

I sincerely believe God will do great things in you and through you… you just have to let Him. 

Blessings Y’all,

Amy