I Have a Confession
Gulp! Time to come clean. I have a confession to make. I mean the bible says in James 5:16 “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” And if confession leads to righteousness and that leads to powerful and effective prayer then who wouldn’t want to confess?!? So here goes. ~ I spent many years being fake. Man that feels good! I love getting stuff off of my chest.
I spent the first part of my Christian walk convincing everyone that I had the perfect little life, with the perfect little family and that God answered all of my prayers in a nice timely fashion. While in the meantime I was buried in debt, fighting with my husband and crying daily in my pillow. It was a tough season. But I had been taught to “speak those things that are not as though they were”. There is some truth to this but there is a correct way to do it and a very wrong way to do it. I was doing it all wrong.
God is faithful though. There must have been some good in my heart somewhere because he sure corrected me. When he did I had one heck of a testimony. I made a decision during that time that I would never be fake again. I have held true to that until recently. However, this time has been a bit different. I haven’t been fake but I haven’t been forthcoming either. Deep breath….I am struggling. Ugh...this is harder than I thought. Let me try again. I am really really struggling. Better. One more time. I have spent every morning for a while now crying all the way home after dropping my daughter off at school.
Without taking up pages explaining my tears let me just say that life is not being fair at the moment. In fact it is being very unfair. I have been through difficult seasons before and ones that were more difficult than this but it has been a while. It has been building for a couple of years. I fear it has not hit its climax yet! It has kept me from writing and pushing forward in my calling. You see my specific gift is to encourage people. How can I encourage people when I feel like I am about to lose my mind? It has taken some serious soul seeking but I finally have the answer. Share my sorrow and how I’m getting through it.
This week as I was crying my way to work I was quickened in my Spirit. God spoke to my heart and said, “Speak MY Words”. It took me by surprise. I mean I was a blubbering, snotting, eyes swollen mess. I was expecting to hear a song on the radio about how much God loves me and that I wasn’t alone. Instead in a stern Catholic teacher voice I heard, “Speak MY words”. Needless to say it got my attention. Sooooo….I started to speak scripture out loud. Anything I had memorized I said. At first it was hard. My voice was quivering and I even stuttered. But! As I continued, my voice got stronger, more scripture came to mind and I felt better. I stopped crying. My mind seemed to be more clear.
That was just the beginning. The next day I received a monthly newsletter in the mail from a ministry that I follow. In it I was encouraged to seek God in a different way. Instead of praying about my problems over and over again and seeking direction and answers I was challenged to study more. Reminding myself of one of my favorite sayings, “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result”, I didn’t hesitate to take this advice. I had been praying over and over again and nothing was happening. So I decided to start studying on a deeper level. It has made a world of difference. My outlook has completely changed. My situation has not. However, I have changed up my day a bit. I’ve started doing things in a different order. Trying to really prioritize the way God wants me to...not what I think is most important.
Now, for my last confession. I am a Jesus Freak tried and true. I have good days, bad days, ups, downs and I don’t believe in sharing my drama on social media. (I’m not trying to post a highlight reel either, just don’t believe in sharing my mess...it isn’t anyone’s business.) I have my dedicated prayer warriors for that. And trust me I keep them busy...haha! But I believe with everything in me that all things work together for the good of those that love the Lord and are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 We may have to go through some lemon sucking seasons but they won’t last. They may feel like they will last forever but they won’t. I bet if you look back over your life you will see that all of the things you have overcome felt like they were going to last forever too but they didn’t.
Good days will come again. The sun will shine on your face. You will “feel” better. Embrace the days in between that don’t seem quite as bad as the day before. Cut yourself some slack for being human. Believe with all of your heart that God loves you and he does want good things to happen to you. Study your bible. Don’t just read a verse here and there but really study it. Then apply what you’ve learned to your life by living it.
Start reading some helpful verses to encourage you on your journey: Here is one to get you started...click on this link for many more!
Isaiah 43:2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.
Remember when you feel like you are drowning, you aren’t; when you feel like like you’re walking through fire know this...it is refining you, not burning you up! God’s got you!
I spent the first part of my Christian walk convincing everyone that I had the perfect little life, with the perfect little family and that God answered all of my prayers in a nice timely fashion. While in the meantime I was buried in debt, fighting with my husband and crying daily in my pillow. It was a tough season. But I had been taught to “speak those things that are not as though they were”. There is some truth to this but there is a correct way to do it and a very wrong way to do it. I was doing it all wrong.
God is faithful though. There must have been some good in my heart somewhere because he sure corrected me. When he did I had one heck of a testimony. I made a decision during that time that I would never be fake again. I have held true to that until recently. However, this time has been a bit different. I haven’t been fake but I haven’t been forthcoming either. Deep breath….I am struggling. Ugh...this is harder than I thought. Let me try again. I am really really struggling. Better. One more time. I have spent every morning for a while now crying all the way home after dropping my daughter off at school.
Without taking up pages explaining my tears let me just say that life is not being fair at the moment. In fact it is being very unfair. I have been through difficult seasons before and ones that were more difficult than this but it has been a while. It has been building for a couple of years. I fear it has not hit its climax yet! It has kept me from writing and pushing forward in my calling. You see my specific gift is to encourage people. How can I encourage people when I feel like I am about to lose my mind? It has taken some serious soul seeking but I finally have the answer. Share my sorrow and how I’m getting through it.
This week as I was crying my way to work I was quickened in my Spirit. God spoke to my heart and said, “Speak MY Words”. It took me by surprise. I mean I was a blubbering, snotting, eyes swollen mess. I was expecting to hear a song on the radio about how much God loves me and that I wasn’t alone. Instead in a stern Catholic teacher voice I heard, “Speak MY words”. Needless to say it got my attention. Sooooo….I started to speak scripture out loud. Anything I had memorized I said. At first it was hard. My voice was quivering and I even stuttered. But! As I continued, my voice got stronger, more scripture came to mind and I felt better. I stopped crying. My mind seemed to be more clear.
That was just the beginning. The next day I received a monthly newsletter in the mail from a ministry that I follow. In it I was encouraged to seek God in a different way. Instead of praying about my problems over and over again and seeking direction and answers I was challenged to study more. Reminding myself of one of my favorite sayings, “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result”, I didn’t hesitate to take this advice. I had been praying over and over again and nothing was happening. So I decided to start studying on a deeper level. It has made a world of difference. My outlook has completely changed. My situation has not. However, I have changed up my day a bit. I’ve started doing things in a different order. Trying to really prioritize the way God wants me to...not what I think is most important.
Now, for my last confession. I am a Jesus Freak tried and true. I have good days, bad days, ups, downs and I don’t believe in sharing my drama on social media. (I’m not trying to post a highlight reel either, just don’t believe in sharing my mess...it isn’t anyone’s business.) I have my dedicated prayer warriors for that. And trust me I keep them busy...haha! But I believe with everything in me that all things work together for the good of those that love the Lord and are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 We may have to go through some lemon sucking seasons but they won’t last. They may feel like they will last forever but they won’t. I bet if you look back over your life you will see that all of the things you have overcome felt like they were going to last forever too but they didn’t.
Good days will come again. The sun will shine on your face. You will “feel” better. Embrace the days in between that don’t seem quite as bad as the day before. Cut yourself some slack for being human. Believe with all of your heart that God loves you and he does want good things to happen to you. Study your bible. Don’t just read a verse here and there but really study it. Then apply what you’ve learned to your life by living it.
Start reading some helpful verses to encourage you on your journey: Here is one to get you started...click on this link for many more!
Isaiah 43:2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.
Remember when you feel like you are drowning, you aren’t; when you feel like like you’re walking through fire know this...it is refining you, not burning you up! God’s got you!
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