Cocktail of Emotions

Have you ever felt angry, sad, guilty, confused and happy all at once? I know I have felt a mix of emotions before, but I’m not sure I’ve ever drank from this particular cocktail until now. It definitely leaves you with a hangover like none other, but Jesus is still in the healing business and I am claiming my thoughts will line up with Him and I can put this cup down. I know that it is not on the same level by any means, but I’m sure you can relate too; when Jesus said “let this cup pass from me”, when He was faced with the cross. We all go through seasons in life that we wish we didn’t have to go through.

Sunday after church we brought my grandmother home from a lengthy stay at a rehabilitation center. She has been back and forth from the hospital to rehab since July 1st. It has made our summer challenging to say the least. Our goal has always been to get her back home, but we had no idea what we were going to be facing once we got her here. She has missed our family and her kitty cats tremendously and we were under the impression that her mind was heavily affected by uncomfortable surroundings. We just knew once we got her home she would snap back to her old self and things would be better . That was a far fetched dream and now we are faced with a cruel reality. She is not even close to the same person she was July 1st. The last 2 months have expedited her dementia and she is but a shell of who she once was. We are devastated.

This ride of emotions is like none other. I’ve gone from crying to laughing (because according to her she made a boyfriend at rehab) and back to angry for the lost time with her. We thought we had much more. I have felt guilty for celebrating birthdays and going on vacation (something she use to love to do with us) and then back to feeling joy that I was able to have these moments with my other loved ones. I’ve torn myself up over whether to try to keep her at home or put her in a nursing home permanently. These aren’t my decisions to make alone, but because she lives with me, I feel the heaviness of their weight.

I could write pages and pages of day to day emotions just revolving around this one subject matter but I won’t. God spoke a word of peace into my heart during the midst of all of this. He told me to “live my life”. I thought I was, but apparently when we allow these emotions to control us, we aren’t living the way God wants us to.

Yes, Jesus asked for the cup of the cross to pass him by, but He also acknowledged God was on the throne and the real one in charge. He said, “nevertheless, not my will, but Thy will be done”. God did not take away the cross, but did something incredibly amazing through it. Jesus continued to live out His life until the time of the cross. He did not just sit and wait and stop doing everything He needed to do just because He knew the cross was coming. He was not bound by His emotions. He lived through them and accomplished many great things despite of them.

I believe that is what God was trying to tell me. I can experience these different emotions while going through this difficult season in my life, but I cannot be controlled by them and let them keep me from the things God has called me to do. I have to recognize that He is my source of joy, my redeemer, my healer, my friend, my Father, my help in my time of need. He said, “I have come that you would have life and have it more abundantly”. Satan, would try to use this time to paralyze me, bind me up and keep me from doing the work of my Father, but I won’t let him. I will ride this ride for as long as I need to because I know God is with me. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Let me end with just encouraging you to chug your cocktail of emotions. God created us to feel. If He hadn’t then we wouldn’t. Jesus used the adrenaline of anger to turn over the tables in the temple. He used his love to endure the cross. We can use our emotions to get through things in life too. They don’t have to control us or paralyze us, but rather, they can be another tool God has given us to get through life, one day at a time. God Bless.